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“There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.” Jose N. Harris
Since my surgery two weeks ago I have had ample self-reflection time. I have also had more than enough silence surrounding me in my house because I can’t go anywhere or do anything. My silence screams! My silence can be deafening. The self-reflection has shown me where I have my own shortcomings. I have been able to look back at texts, in particular, to see where and if I had some fault in the heartbreaking outcomes of specific relationships. I have tried to apologize for my part and the ball is left in their court now. I am leaving it up to them to realize their part. We often assume the wrong thing because we don’t communicate about what we are actually feeling. I have failed in this. This has been shown to me directly involving my surgery. There are other relationships I have apologized multiple times for my part and yet the other parties remain selfish and unchanged. Good news for me is I can begin to let that go now but they will have to answer for their negativity. And yet one more relationship that has been on the forefront of my mind for weeks now. Some people don’t realize that even through texts they are still doing the very thing I asked them not to do. With all that I have been through, especially in the last few years, I am an easy target. They don’t want to look at their own shit and instead always focus on mine. Now that they have shown their true character I can begin to walk away from that drama as well and begin to heal.
As far as bidding adieu to my social media – you know as I have written here before . . . I was afraid not to write as much because I thought I would lose readers. Then I became afraid of shutting down social media because how else would people know I have written a blogpost unless I put it out there on Facebook or Instagram. The first was hard enough to overcome but I chose to be present in my life and not worry about putting the pressure on myself to “keep up”. However, staying on social media has proven to be more damaging to me than helpful in numerous ways. We are all looking for that “like” on Facebook. Or that comment that affirms we are “good enough”. We crave positive attention from others. Why? Because it feels good. Who doesn’t want to feel good? I know I do. But when we don’t get what we want from others it can turn into self-hatred. Strong word, huh? You may be thinking right now – ‘Not me’ but ask yourself – If no one acknowledged you or liked you or assured you of just how great you are . . . how would you feel? I am not putting down social media or the people who love it. Please, hear that. I am also not saying that maybe one day I will visit it again. I am saying to some it is very damaging, to others it can be fairly painful and to all it can leave us wondering sometimes – ‘Am I good enough?’
I am still learning and I do believe it will be a lifelong journey for me, that the only One I can depend on is The Lord. And maybe you don’t believe in Him. That is none of my business. I will tell you though if you look to anyone else to make you feel good about yourself you will drown. You may again say ‘Not me’ but it will come . . . sooner or later. So, work on loving yourself and trusting yourself now. You have been given a gift or maybe multiple gifts by being you. I am realizing my gifts aren’t obvious like others. I wasn’t born to BE something like a doctor or landscaper. I was born to do things that can’t always be seen only felt. I was born to love. I love others with a passion that is both a gift and a curse. I give all I have to my relationships with people. This oftentimes leaves me hurt and vulnerable. Therefore, I am learning to love the people who treat me right and pray for those who don’t. I crave openness and realness. It was drilled into me my entire life by my own Daddy, the man of God, the Preacher . . . “What will the church people think? What will others think?” Ironic because that is NOT what The Lord says at all! I am having to retrain my brain after 43 YEARS of damage. My hope for you is no matter if you are older or younger than 43 that you will stop the madness NOW! Just this morning I decided I am going to make a list of all the good . . . things about myself. Then I will make copies and place them in different places, even on my phone, to remind me I AM GOOD ENOUGH! I don’t need a list of the negative things. Those are branded into my brain and are readily available even when I don’t ask for them.
So, for today here is the good . . . I am good enough. My list will be great! Take a look at yourself and clean up the things you need to, apologize for your damage, forgive yourself and go love yourself, Sugar! Much Peace and Love, Y’all! Namaste P.S. I will continue to write here on my blog and vlog on our YouTube channel – Crazy Harts Club. You can reach me here and there. You can also subscribe to both of them for free. Have a unicorn spewing glitter kind of weekend!
“You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens.” Mandy Hale
Y’all KNOW this is challenging for me. I am organized. I am a planner. I run 100 miles an hour with my ADHD. And trust . . . ha, ha TRUST has become an ugly word to me. I am taking steps (remember the last blog post) to break this thought process of not trusting. Forty-two years and most of that has been without trust so it will definitely take a while. I suppose I do have time to see what happens.
Remember I told you I was going to take you on a journey with me and I have no idea where it is going or what it is going to look like. Well, that truth still remains. For the moment it is less of a roller coaster and more of a Jeep ride with no doors on a winding, mountain road. I have been praying more recently than I have in a while. I became reckless after “figuratively” collapsing under all the weight on my shoulders. I say to myself and out loud every day “Thank you, Lord, for saving me! You saved me!” and He really did. You have no idea! I also remind you and myself to let us stop judging each other and instead support each other. ‘Ya know that’s not always easy to do especially if we don’t agree with the topic at hand. However, if we truly love those we say we do then we support them as they ask and need. I continue to ask that of you for me and my family.
For today, here is the good . . . I am strong. You are strong. We are stronger than we think. Even if you are a planner and your personality tends to be more like mine . . . I am telling you to breathe. I am telling you to try and find trust. I am telling you to let go and yes, see what happens. I encourage you to find those people in your life who will positively support you wherever you are in your journey and I hope you will do that for them as well. Much Peace and Love Y’all!
Onward with my and YOUR journey to PEACE and HAPPINESS . . .
I always love to have guest writers. Please let me know if you would like to be a guest writer. Taken from her own personal LFTG jar, Kloie writes her thoughts about the below saying – Enjoy!
“Fall for someone who deserves to catch you.”
It was so nice outside today so I decided to take my new book out to my Eno and read. The book I recently purchased is called The Happiness Hypothesis. It is about “finding modern truth in ancient wisdom”. In part of the first chapter, the writer was discussing how the brain is in two halves, yet connected. Each half, and different regions of each half, allow us to do multiple tasks. When we see something that attracts us, such as a cute guy/girl or a yummy piece of food, our brain sends out bursts of dopamine. This dopamine is like a little reward for being interested in something that can continue our genes.
Most people, including myself, are always fine with doing something that will feel or taste good. This is because the feeling of dopamine is so nice, even though we might not think through as to what we are doing in the moment. Jonathan Haidt does a much better job of explaining the whole brain thing so I recommend reading the book! I am just trying to help explain why we should not simply fall for any human.
So, I am going to sort’ve base it off my personal life. First off, I like guys. I can be very boy crazy at times. However, since coming to the Governor’s School, I have changed so much. Part of what has changed has been my thoughts on dating. I am pretty young, but I can’t help that I am attracted to guys and want a boyfriend. Everyone at my old school was either messing around with dudes or dating one. I wanted someone to be there for me all the time that I liked so I constantly talked to a lot of guys, etc., etc.
Recently I have decided that I seriously don’t need to waste my time with any guy that I would for sure not marry. I always used to want to date a guy just because he was cute and decently nice to me. The problem with that is, they were putting in no effort to actually be with me or to like me for who I really was. I wanted (and still want) a guy who will love me exactly as I am, that I can laugh a lot with, but talk about the things that mean the world to me. I want to share my ideas and spend time with someone who wants to hear it.
I see girls all the time falling for all these “f-boys” and they get their heart-broken for settling way under what they deserve. I believe in soul mates and true love, and that there is someone out there that your soul will connect with like no one else. The problem is, people like to mess around just to get a little dopamine and not dig for the good stuff that will last forever.
Please, please, please do not cut your standards short nor do anything you might regret later. Because there is a person out there looking for someone like all of y’all, wishing to have a real connection. DO NOT settle for anything less! If the person truly wants to be with you, they’ll treat you like a Queen (or King) and you should be doing the same. Be patient and focus on pursuing other things, like school or work, in the meantime. When your true love comes to y’all, I promise all the waiting will have been worth it. And remember: fall for someone who deserves to catch you.
Chao for now!