Click anywhere on the words above to go to our YouTube Channel . . . Crazy Harts Club
Click anywhere on the words above to go to our YouTube Channel . . . Crazy Harts Club
Click anywhere on the words above to go to our YouTube Channel . . . Crazy Harts Club
I hardly know where to begin. For those of you who are used to my writing or that know me personally realize that once I get going it can be challenging at times to stay with me. My thoughts are many. My words are superfluous. And my spirit is animated. However, it’s always entertaining and something beautiful is always set free. So, speaking of FREEDOM . . .
I just got home from the hospital last night after having emergency surgery Monday night. I had a serious complication from my hysterectomy surgery that was 10 weeks ago. It is not typical for this to happen that far out from surgery, but the doctor said I was one of the “unlucky” ones. I will spare you the gory details but if I had waited any longer, I may not be here today.
(With a lack of better verbiage) for a very long time now – I have been weighed down, fatigued and overloaded with negativity but somehow, I kept getting back up – finding it increasingly grueling each time though. There have been definite moments that I didn’t know how or if I would get back up. But I did and kept going trying one way or another to see at least some good . . . except there was always the lingering black cloud. When I say 2020 is not just a new year but a new decade – you can’t even begin to imagine what I mean . . . or just maybe you can.
Something has switched in my soul. The only answer is The Lord. I don’t push my beliefs on you and don’t condemn you if you don’t believe the same. My hope is for you to feel the Peace & Love I feel. It transcends beyond all understanding. I can’t explain it. It’s a gift. I am thankful for it. While I have never been super religious or ritualistic, I have always had a deep faith in The Lord. I have cried out to Him what seems like an infinite amount of times. Then it happened . . . what is “it” you may ask? My ability to be thankful. My ability to “let go”. My ability to open my mind, heart and spirit not to those around me but to myself. I LOVE ME! Do you know why I love me? Because The Lord created me. Being a preacher’s daughter my entire life that one declaration is nothing new . . . in words. However, believing it and actually living it out is entirely different, exciting, scary and new for me. Despite all my heartaches I have been given a gift of PEACE & LOVE that rains down on me daily now. I find myself numerous times every single day saying, “Thank you, Lord, for _____!” The more I practice it the more I experience it. I have lost trust in just about everything in this world but again somehow and I cannot explain it – I continue, daily, to say to Him “Please, Lord, help me trust YOU today.”
There are so many things I want to say to you right now but as I often write . . . if I don’t stop here this blogpost would turn into a novel. So for today here is the good . . . I have been given a GIFT of PEACE & LOVE. It has been freely given to me and I have been chosen to freely give it away. It’s like a river. It runs into my heart, through my soul, and out of my spirit to YOU. Thank you for being on this journey with me. Thank you for riding this roller coaster of a life with me. I am forever grateful. Much Peace & Love Y’all! Namaste
“Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” Carl Bard, American writer and editor
I often laugh out loud when I draw from my very own LFTG (Look for the good) jar even if I am having a rough day. Today is no different. Why is it always great timing? Probably because The Lord sits at my kitchen table where my LFTG jar is located and He has His hands all in it. #THANKFUL
So, for my devoted readers you already know a lot about me, my life and especially if you have been following this past year to year and a half – you know the intense messiness I have been living in . . . or more honestly – the excessive chaos I have been drowning in. My marriage would be at the top of this list. This is not to embarrass my husband, my girls or myself but to simply live out loud in order to help others do the same. I have had many conversations with The Lord during my meditations and don’t just feel but I KNOW He has called me to be my true self. What this means is I have to be vulnerable and open about my life paired with my gift and love for writing He has given me. This call upon me has been more difficult than easy. The blogging and vlogging I absolutely LOVE! The being transparent part not so much sometimes because it leaves the door wide open for judgement.
The above quote can be applied to lots of situations in my life and your life. So, take it wherever it serves you best. For me and in this very moment my marriage is what comes to mind. I have been married now for over 20 years. Wow! That is most of my adult life since I married fairly young. We started out with a ready-made family. I already had Grayson, our now almost 22-year-old daughter. My husband, Kevin, and I were set up on a date by one of my high school friends. She had just gotten married and I told her to tell him everything there was to know about me before he ever laid eyes on me. This included me having to give my first daughter up for adoption (*see “I’m a Grandmama” post) and now having my second daughter by a second man who I was told would not live to her first birthday. Keep in mind Grayson’s first birthday was one month away from when I met Kevin. He decided that yes, he still wanted to go out with me. For years now, however off and on, I often have asked myself – “What was Kevin thinking? A man in his early twenties taking on such major responsibility? Why? Why would he do that?” That thinking comes from my dark place. The place where secrets and lies have almost killed me. The place where Satan lives. The place where it is so dark, I don’t want to live anymore.
It wasn’t too far into our relationship that I became pregnant – yes, once again and Kevin and I were married. I look back at all the challenges and all the adversity we have faced. For over 20 years now I have held onto hurts instead of letting them go and holding onto hope. I have chosen fear to drive me instead of faith that God can change things. I have raged with anger instead of bestowing forgiveness. I have sat and cried over sadness instead of cherishing the good times. These all make me feel heartbroken over the amount of time I have wasted.
For today, here is the good . . . I can choose to start from now and make a brand new ending. This doesn’t mean I won’t have bad days. This doesn’t mean I won’t feel sad or hurt or angry ever again. This means I am choosing love over hate. I have so much to be forgiven for myself. Today I am looking at Kevin as a human being. You hear (read) me say all the time how there is no such thing as perfection. So why would I expect him to be? Why would I expect myself to be? I ask you now – what are you going to choose today? Love or hate? Hurt or hope? Fear or faith? Anger or forgiveness? Sadness or Happiness? None of these are always easy. In fact, for me most of them are hard most of the time when I am thinking about certain issues in my life. I will continue to try though. When I fall down and don’t choose positivity over negativity, I will try to give myself some grace. I will simply get back up and try again. Whatever it is you are being challenged to do, whether it is big or small, try and remember . . . “Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” And of course, also try and remember to Look for the good . . . Know you are not alone. I am right there with you. I hope you have a blessed day. Much Peace and Love Y’all! Namaste
As I mentioned in my previous post, I am trying to be more intentional in my own life. I write here on my blog all these positive things and yet still struggle with living them out myself. However, I am also learning that instead of beating myself up for this I will simply love myself through it. For those of you that have been my blog readers for awhile or for those of you that know me personally, you know loving myself is one of the greatest challenges of my life. Seems like a simple task to some, while for me it has always been daunting. I enjoy blogging and vlogging so much that I have put unnecessary stress on myself to try and do it most days of the week. Why you may ask? I’ll be honest – it’s because I don’t want to lose you . . . my Look for the good . . . readers. It brings me great joy knowing through my darkness I may help someone else find the light. I’m so worried that in the blogging world if I don’t “keep it up” or “keep it consistent” that people will stop reading it. But you know what? I AM NOT IN CONTROL of that . . . AT ALL! It is in The Lord’s hands who He knows needs to read these words and it’s all in His timing. As I am continuing to learn through yoga . . . I have to let that shit go . . . Yes! I just cussed and I still believe in God and I have a deep faith in Him, and He still loves me. There is no such thing as perfection. I am doing my best. Just BE YOU!
Speaking of timing I pulled this quote out of my very own LFTG jar today. Here we go . . .
“Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love and value.”
*This is dedicated to all those in the world who think they aren’t good enough or something is wrong with them. For all of those drowning in the darkness.
Remember YOU are LOVED! Just because we have made some bad decisions EVEN IF it’s the same decisions over and over doesn’t mean we are bad. There may be numerous reasons why we have the dark side. The ugly, scary side to us. Everything isn’t our fault. Fear will drive us to do things that are not healthy for us. It’s okay to be scared. I’m scared too! I just want to be loved for the real me inside all this pain. Surround yourself with those that love you and get away from those that judge you. For they are sick themselves. Perhaps we should all practice giving a little more grace to each other . . . but some from a distance.
For today, here is the good . . . I will continue to learn how to love myself. I will not punish myself for not blogging/vlogging most days of the week because I am choosing to live more intentional and be more present in my own life. I will continue to LIVE OUT LOUD and know that The Lord is using my messiness to help others. For all of this I am THANKFUL and not just on Thursday. Now go love yourself! Much Peace and Love Y’all! Namaste
The founding belief of this company is to bring you inspiring positivity one breath at a time. All of our products are a reflection of this very idea. For example, our LFTG (Look For The Good) Jars are filled with inspirational sayings/quotes. Each saying/quote has a crack ‘n peel backing so if you want to you can stick it on something for a positive reminder or simply throw it back in for a random draw another day. So, having said that, periodically I will be doing my own random draw out of my personal LFTG jar and will be posting it on here with a story that emulates that message. These will be named “Positive Purposeful Post”. Let’s do one now . . .
“I’ve seen better days, but I’ve also seen worse. I don’t have everything that I want, but I do have all I need. I woke up with some aches and pains, but I woke up. My life may not be perfect, but I am blessed.”
I know we use the word thankful a lot and maybe even appreciative. Both great words! I’m sure we all have room for improvement on how much we use these words. I have begun to use the word grateful more in these last few months which developed out of our Yoga Teacher Training homework. When I first started taking YTT one of our assignments was to purchase multiple books and read them at determined times on our syllabus. One of those books was “The Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude” by Sarah Ban Breathnach. This is a daily journal where we were and are to still be writing down what we are thankful for on that day. I will admit some days I couldn’t bring myself to even open the book. That was because of deep, mental anguish I was experiencing. If you opened my journal you would find there were many days that I would write (or have to go back and write on that day) –
March 2 – Thankful I made it – yes, that I didn’t die
March 4 – Thankful I made it and didn’t die yesterday
March 5 – I guess thankful I’m still breathing even though I don’t want to be
March 11 – to be alive
April 2 – to be alive
April 12 – thankful I didn’t die
It goes on and on. Some days I could only write “nap” or “sunshine” even though I had several lines in the book available for me to write on. Sometimes on the days I could get to the studio all I would write for the whole day would be “yoga”. I know I have said it before and I will say it again – YOGA truly helped save my life . . . and for that, yes, I am GRATEFUL!
For my readers some of this may be quite shocking to hear about and for others not so much. I am choosing to share bits and pieces of my mental health struggles with all of you and yes that includes nearly 14,000 people and from all over the world – not just the United States through my website. I know I am taking a chance being vulnerable like this and it opens the door for even more judgement of me. But you know what? The Lord is handling that part, so I don’t have to worry about it. Speaking of yoga, The Lord and putting this all together . . . There are times during my meditation that when I ask Him to let me talk to my Mama, He allows me to see her. (Keep in mind my Mama is in Heaven) Most of the time she doesn’t speak and of course none of this is in an audible voice. But a few weeks ago, I decided to meditate in the bathtub. I was sad and confused about why I am and have for at least my entire adult life been dealing with very painful mental health issues. These all stem from my childhood and carried on into my present day. I asked my Mama “Why? Why am I going through all this and for so long? Why do I have to suffer so much?” She answered, “You have been given a gift from The Lord.” I told her it didn’t feel like a gift. I told her I am exhausted. I asked her again how this could possibly be a gift. My Mama said again “He has given you a gift and you need to use it.” When I explained to her that it feels horrible, that I stand out among people around me and that it is embarrassing at times – I looked up at her again and she wasn’t there. The Lord only gives me snippets, but I am GRATEFUL for them. He answered my question though. He told me my life has been very difficult but He chose me to go through this only so I could help others. I try and remind myself this truth especially on the harder days. So, to recap the quote above – for today, here is the good . . .
I really have seen better and worse days. I know both will come. But I also know both will go. I definitely don’t have a lot of material things but that isn’t something I’ve ever really been interested in anyway and The Lord has ALWAYS miraculously taken care of ALL my needs. I do wake up with aches and pains and actually don’t sleep more than a few hours (not even consecutively) each night because my body has been trained to listen for Grayson and her seizures for almost 22 YEARS! But what stands out most in this saying for me is “but I woke up”. Most people take this for granted. However, I know all too well how easy it would be not to wake up. And to finish it out – No, my life is far from perfect because there is no such thing as perfection but blessed, I AM! I encourage you to go throughout each day being THANKFUL, APPRECIATIVE, AND GRATEFUL for every little thing. It could be the sun shining, running water, a washing machine, a beautiful child, an awesome friendship, a flower. The list is endless . . . Much Peace and Love Y’all! Namaste
Have you ever thought about the words in the title of my post? I mean really thought about them? Can a heart smile? What does it look like when I picture a heart smiling? When I hear the word “heart” I think of love and happiness. Even if you don’t know me well, just by reading my blog you are beginning to learn a lot about me. Lately, I have been writing more about my broken heart. My sadness. But last Friday, as I was subbing, we decided because it was such a beautiful day we would take our boys outside. Two of our boys went right to the “typical” swings and sat down while the other two needed to roam around a bit. The student I was with seemed a bit restless. I walked him over to the swings that are more conducive to full body support. He readily sat down as I stood in front of him making sure he was safely in the chair. I asked the other assistant if it was okay to push him as sometimes this motion can cause seizures. She said it was fine.
I began to slowly push the swing until it was in a steady motion. That sweet boy laid his head back and to the side and completely relaxed his body into the rhythm. For 25 minutes, I pushed. Back and forth. Back and forth. Twenty-five minutes is a long time to consistently push a swing. However, I didn’t grow tired. I gazed at him and a wonderful sense of peace came over me. I was working so I HAD TO be in this moment. I asked myself “Why can’t I slow down more in my life and be present in every moment? Why can’t I be still longer, more often to experience this calm even when I don’t HAVE TO?” So, for today here is the good . . . The cool breeze blowing and the repetitive movement helped this antsy child to be less anxious. Watching him made my heart smile. It showed me how simple some things really can be. These students who are non-verbal or non-mobile, sometimes both, are usually the best teachers of how life is meant to be. Slow down, maybe even stop a minute and be in the moment. He helped me and my heart. For this I am thankful. Have a beautiful day! Much Peace and Love Y’all!
Happy First Day of November! November makes me think of several things but one would be THANKSGIVING. I know we will hear several times over the next few weeks, “I’m thankful for . . .” in the spirit of this wonderful holiday. We should be thankful but to be honest I have never in my forty years thought about the last part of this word – “Thanksgiving”. I am thankful for many people, things, etc. But do I thank-GIVE? I will say it again, the founding belief of our company, Look for the good . . . , is to bring you inspiring positivity one breath at a time. All of our products are a reflection of this very idea and I want our actions to be the same. These next couple of sentences are from a YouTube video – How Do Homeless Women Cope With Their Periods? | NSFWomen Every month, thousands of homeless women are placed in a crisis situation when they get their periods. From dealing with infections to being unable to purchase sanitary supplies, keeping safe and clean isn’t easy on the streets. Also, it was recently brought to my attention, by one of my dear friends, that teenage girls are in desperate need of these products. Did you know there are middle and high school girls who have to skip school when they have their periods because they do not have any feminine products? They are embarrassed. Did you know the school system can give out only one sanitary napkin at a time? As if teenagers don’t have enough to deal with already, now girls can’t even go to school or concentrate in class for the fear of “having an accident”. I don’t think twice about picking up what I need from the grocery store. I just get it and go. We don’t think about their parents/guardians not being able to afford these things. Have you thought about when we have hurricanes or other natural disasters and people lose everything – what happens when women have their period and have nothing to use? As you are reading this you are probably just as surprised as I was when I first heard about it. If we aren’t faced with something personally or if we don’t even hear about it, then we typically don’t think about it. We don’t have to! But I am asking you to think about it now. Look for the good . . . is partnering with The Homeless Period Project SC to help girls and women have the products they so desperately need. While you are thankful will you also be thanks – giving? For today, here is the good . . . on Thursday, November, 10th we will be making period packs that go all over South Carolina. Will you please contact me and let’s plan on meeting somewhere for me to get a donation from you. Next time you go to the store please grab any of these much-needed items: Maxi pads, tampons, and pantiliners. Any brand is accepted! You can also follow them on Facebook at The Homeless Period Project SC and on Instagram @thehomelessperiodproject Peace and Love Y’all and Happy November!
My heart is frowning a bit today. I drove by Starbucks, which is Kloie and my hangout, and of course my Pandora starts playing Bob Marley’s “Three Little Birds”. Uggh! Really? Two of the major things that she loves. I miss my Honeybun. She has been gone almost three weeks now. Moving our 16-year-old daughter three hours away has not been easy. However, I have done very well if I do say so myself. I have not completely lost it. Not even once. Okay maybe close to that but that was only because of the letter she wrote me. She wrote Kevin, me, and her sister letters. The Friday morning we took her off to school she decided to leave them on my dresser. Later that day as we were driving away from the campus she texts us to let her know when we had read the letters. Of course we got home late but were anxious to see what she said. Kev and I each read ours separately. I won’t tell you exactly what she wrote as that is very private but I can only say WOW! WE MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT! Actually, it is The Lord Himself that made her so wonderful! We are just the lucky ones who get to claim her. She is very mature for her age when it comes to some things. She wants me to take care of myself, expressed her true thankfulness, and requested we keep God at the center of our lives. I have gotten teary-eyed several times but today is proving to be more difficult. I walk into her room sometimes and just stand there for a few minutes. I miss her late night singing concerts in the bathroom as she is washing her face. I miss her selfies she leaves me to find on my phone. I miss her saying “Moooooooom!”
But for today here is the good . . . I get to work from home while enjoying my Tall, Caramel Frappuccino and remember the good talks we have had at Starbucks. And I am SUPER THANKFUL for the pic she sent her daddy last night of her beautiful face and dread head ;-}
*Kloie always takes pics of our Starbucks so I had to do the same