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I Bid You Adieu . . .

“There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.” Jose N. Harris

Since my surgery two weeks ago I have had ample self-reflection time. I have also had more than enough silence surrounding me in my house because I can’t go anywhere or do anything. My silence screams! My silence can be deafening. The self-reflection has shown me where I have my own shortcomings. I have been able to look back at texts, in particular, to see where and if I had some fault in the heartbreaking outcomes of specific relationships. I have tried to apologize for my part and the ball is left in their court now. I am leaving it up to them to realize their part. We often assume the wrong thing because we don’t communicate about what we are actually feeling. I have failed in this. This has been shown to me directly involving my surgery. There are other relationships I have apologized multiple times for my part and yet the other parties remain selfish and unchanged. Good news for me is I can begin to let that go now but they will have to answer for their negativity. And yet one more relationship that has been on the forefront of my mind for weeks now. Some people don’t realize that even through texts they are still doing the very thing I asked them not to do. With all that I have been through, especially in the last few years, I am an easy target. They don’t want to look at their own shit and instead always focus on mine. Now that they have shown their true character I can begin to walk away from that drama as well and begin to heal.

As far as bidding adieu to my social media – you know as I have written here before . . . I was afraid not to write as much because I thought I would lose readers. Then I became afraid of shutting down social media because how else would people know I have written a blogpost unless I put it out there on Facebook or Instagram. The first was hard enough to overcome but I chose to be present in my life and not worry about putting the pressure on myself to “keep up”. However, staying on social media has proven to be more damaging to me than helpful in numerous ways. We are all looking for that “like” on Facebook. Or that comment that affirms we are “good enough”. We crave positive attention from others. Why? Because it feels good. Who doesn’t want to feel good? I know I do. But when we don’t get what we want from others it can turn into self-hatred. Strong word, huh? You may be thinking right now – ‘Not me’ but ask yourself – If no one acknowledged you or liked you or assured you of just how great you are . . . how would you feel? I am not putting down social media or the people who love it. Please, hear that. I am also not saying that maybe one day I will visit it again. I am saying to some it is very damaging, to others it can be fairly painful and to all it can leave us wondering sometimes – ‘Am I good enough?’

I am still learning and I do believe it will be a lifelong journey for me, that the only One I can depend on is The Lord. And maybe you don’t believe in Him. That is none of my business. I will tell you though if you look to anyone else to make you feel good about yourself you will drown. You may again say ‘Not me’ but it will come . . . sooner or later. So, work on loving yourself and trusting yourself now. You have been given a gift or maybe multiple gifts by being you. I am realizing my gifts aren’t obvious like others. I wasn’t born to BE something like a doctor or landscaper. I was born to do things that can’t always be seen only felt. I was born to love. I love others with a passion that is both a gift and a curse. I give all I have to my relationships with people. This oftentimes leaves me hurt and vulnerable. Therefore, I am learning to love the people who treat me right and pray for those who don’t. I crave openness and realness. It was drilled into me my entire life by my own Daddy, the man of God, the Preacher . . . “What will the church people think? What will others think?” Ironic because that is NOT what The Lord says at all! I am having to retrain my brain after 43 YEARS of damage. My hope for you is no matter if you are older or younger than 43 that you will stop the madness NOW! Just this morning I decided I am going to make a list of all the good . . . things about myself. Then I will make copies and place them in different places, even on my phone, to remind me I AM GOOD ENOUGH! I don’t need a list of the negative things. Those are branded into my brain and are readily available even when I don’t ask for them.

So, for today here is the good . . . I am good enough. My list will be great! Take a look at yourself and clean up the things you need to, apologize for your damage, forgive yourself and go love yourself, Sugar! Much Peace and Love, Y’all! Namaste P.S. I will continue to write here on my blog and vlog on our YouTube channel – Crazy Harts Club. You can reach me here and there. You can also subscribe to both of them for free. Have a unicorn spewing glitter kind of weekend!

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Positive Purposeful Post – It’s been a long time coming . . .

“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”

I pulled this one out of my very own LFTG jar weeks ago. And I mean WEEKS ago! I haven’t been able to write in so long. As you know, because I always say it, I miss writing. I love it! I just haven’t been in the right frame of mind to do it. I’m still surprised I am writing now. The reason I am is because I know for a fact that I am not the only one who needs to hear this.

FEAR! I am assuming all people are afraid of something at some point in their life. That is struggle enough. This is for you too! But what about those people – ME, ME, ME – that battle fear EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. How do we keep moving? How do we not give up? The only answer I can give is by the grace of God I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am about to take you on a journey with me that I have no idea where it is going or what it is going to look like. But I invite you to come along and experience it with me because I can guarantee it will, at the very least, be entertaining of some sort.

My husband, Kevin, and I have separated. After 19 years of marriage! We have two beautiful and unique daughters. For that I am blessed! I am now 42 years old with two “adult” children. My youngest daughter, Kloie, is 18 and just left two weeks ago today to go into the AmeriCorps. She will be gone for the next 10 months! She is absolutely MY SUNSHINE I need every day, so this has been a major change for me. More on that in another post. My oldest daughter, Grayson, is 20. As you know, she is severely handicapped in all areas of life. She is like having a baby in a 20-year-old body. We have come to yet another crossroads in our lives. Grayson goes to a special school and they can attend until they are 21. She will be 21 in November, so this will be her last year of school. That gives me a few hours during the day to have some sort of job but only limited time. What employer is going to be okay with me saying “I will be taking summers off, at least one to two days a month off, several days off at Thanksgiving, two weeks off at Christmas and a week off for Spring Break? Because when school is out I must stay home with Grayson. We do have nursing, but she only comes at certain times and she won’t be with us forever. So that brings me to only being able to work in the school district by subbing at her school. Here are the problems with that – it pays very little money. Not enough for us to live on. Grayson only has one more year of school left – really 9 months. What will happen next June? Then what? Where will she go IF I could find a job? Who will take care of her while I’m at work? I have no family support. Also, subbing at her school is extremely taxing not only physically, but mentally and emotionally because I am working with students like my own daughter who are severely handicapped. It is difficult to live and work doing the same thing with no physical, emotional or mental break.

After staying at home for most of 20 years to take care of Grayson, what am I going to do to take care of my girls and myself financially? NOW THAT IS FEAR! I stopped listening to society and how we are supposed to all have a college degree and work 8-5, Monday through Friday, and have the perfect white picket fence family. That is not my reality and I know for so many it is not a reality for them at all either! Instead of judging each other I propose we support each other. As you have heard me say/write before –One of the most important things that I NEED the world to know is it doesn’t matter what you can or can’t do, what you do or don’t look like, what you do or don’t have – EVERYONE HAS A PURPOSE! EVERYONE IS HUMAN SO TREAT EVERYONE YOU MEET LIKE THEY ARE. We all breathe the same. 

So, for today here is the good . . . I am strong. You are strong. We are stronger than we think. I feel very lonely right now. So lonely it is suffocating at times. However, I know somewhere deep down in my soul that someone is watching over me and taking care of me. I am having to walk, sometimes crawl, even though I want to run . . . through this ugly thing called FEAR! But I am doing it and I know on the other side of fear will be the PEACE and HAPPINESS I have so longed for. I don’t know how long it will take to get there. I don’t know how painful it will be to get there. But I KNOW I WILL get there. You can come with me. I will hold your hand if you want me to. I will put my arms around you if you want me to. I love you! Much Peace and Love Y’all!

P.S. Be on the lookout for the next post about my journey to PEACE AND HAPPINESS . . .

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Drinking in my closet

This is what I’m doing right now as I write this. I used to do this A LOT when my girls were little. It was where I went to hide because we all know kids find you no matter what. My husband used to ask me “Why don’t you just close the door?” Ha, ha okay. Reality is I could close the door AND LOCK IT and Kloie would knock on it saying “Mama? Mama, what are you doing in there?” Then my husband would say “Just don’t answer.” Reality #2 here come the little fingers under the door. “Mama? Mama? Are you in there? I can hear you.” This is when I discovered going into my bedroom, locking the door, then going further into my room to my closet and hiding was better than nothing. At least I couldn’t see the little fingers under the door anymore. Don’t get me wrong I love my girls but I RARELY get any time alone. What brings me to drinking in my closet today? This cluster of a mess that has been left from the car wreck in December. It left me a wreck! It has been one whole freakin’ month since Grayson has left the house! Yes! A whole month! She is missing school, forget church, no going out to eat or Starbucks (at least no Sbux outings).

Now Kloie’s little voice has been replaced by a nonstop barking wiener, who in people years is almost 100, so I feel a little guilty. You can hear him from a mile away. And Kloie’s little fingers underneath the door have been replaced by two of the three dogs using their little hands to scratch at the door. The third dog, being the old wiener, can’t make it upstairs anymore. Yes, my dogs have hands and feet. Kevin thinks I’m crazy. Whoever came up with four-legged friend anyway?

Is it normal for car accident crap to take over a month? It just feels like it is never-ending. You know how we say when it rains it pours? Is that true or does it just feel like it because we are already down? Here’s the deal. Because of our unique situation, we can’t just hop in another car and go. All we have is Kloie’s Jeep and I can’t even lift Grayson anymore so there is no me getting her in there. Or some people may just go rent a car. Again, because it is a van with a lift in it – it costs over $100 a day. Umm hello? How much would that cost for over a month? We can’t afford that. Yes, we have insurance but no rental coverage. I am a good driver and therefore never planned on having rental insurance. Then we find out this boy whose tire hit us is more than likely not covered. The parents won’t call the insurance companies back. We have seen the boy driving around because they only live a few miles from us. His life has not changed a bit and ours was wrecked! The police aren’t helpful. No one cares. It is a cluster ____ for sure.

Of course, this is all happening while I am trying to lose weight. I really am trying. I have actually joined a gym (so not a gym girl) and watching what I put into this body – including this delicious wine! This post will be continued but for today, here is the good . . . my thoughtful husband bought me MANY bottles of wine for my birthday in December so I can sit in my closet for a while. Much Peace and Love Y’all!

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His name is Matthew

Matthew is his name, who at the young age of 18, seems to have lived a lifetime of heartache already. We met him as Kev and I went out for an early supper. You never know what you’re going to get in a server. Are they going to be tired, stressed, and frustrated? Or are they going to be nice and friendly and just get the job done? We got neither! Matthew walked up to our table and yes he was nice and friendly but he was MORE than that. I immediately noticed the multiple tattoos that were visible on his body. So of course me being the inquisitive and talkative person that I am I had to ask about them. The first one I asked about because of its simple, natural beauty was a flock of birds “flying away” on his arm. Those, he said, represented very special people he has lost. The next one on the upper part of his arm held the special honor of remembering his brother who had passed away. He went on to describe some of the others and let us know there were more. They just couldn’t be easily seen. So he took our drink order and a little later what we wanted to eat. All the while Kev and I are enjoying our little escape from reality but I couldn’t seem to get Matthew off my mind. But instead of only seeing his sadness I also saw the good . . . and here it is . . . Just by talking to him for only a short time he seemed to live the very thing we believe in here at Look for the good . . . Inspiring positivity one breath at a time. His body is a walking story depicted by his tattoos. I could feel his pain yet overwhelmed by his perseverance. I thanked him for sharing with us and told him a bit about our company. He left our check and I felt The Lord urge me to leave him a note on a restaurant napkin. I encouraged him to continue sharing through his pain, to continue inspiring others with his life just as he did with us, and to ALWAYS Look for the good . . .

So Matthew if you read this I would love for you to contact me. I have something for you . . .