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I Bid You Adieu . . .

“There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.” Jose N. Harris

Since my surgery two weeks ago I have had ample self-reflection time. I have also had more than enough silence surrounding me in my house because I can’t go anywhere or do anything. My silence screams! My silence can be deafening. The self-reflection has shown me where I have my own shortcomings. I have been able to look back at texts, in particular, to see where and if I had some fault in the heartbreaking outcomes of specific relationships. I have tried to apologize for my part and the ball is left in their court now. I am leaving it up to them to realize their part. We often assume the wrong thing because we don’t communicate about what we are actually feeling. I have failed in this. This has been shown to me directly involving my surgery. There are other relationships I have apologized multiple times for my part and yet the other parties remain selfish and unchanged. Good news for me is I can begin to let that go now but they will have to answer for their negativity. And yet one more relationship that has been on the forefront of my mind for weeks now. Some people don’t realize that even through texts they are still doing the very thing I asked them not to do. With all that I have been through, especially in the last few years, I am an easy target. They don’t want to look at their own shit and instead always focus on mine. Now that they have shown their true character I can begin to walk away from that drama as well and begin to heal.

As far as bidding adieu to my social media – you know as I have written here before . . . I was afraid not to write as much because I thought I would lose readers. Then I became afraid of shutting down social media because how else would people know I have written a blogpost unless I put it out there on Facebook or Instagram. The first was hard enough to overcome but I chose to be present in my life and not worry about putting the pressure on myself to “keep up”. However, staying on social media has proven to be more damaging to me than helpful in numerous ways. We are all looking for that “like” on Facebook. Or that comment that affirms we are “good enough”. We crave positive attention from others. Why? Because it feels good. Who doesn’t want to feel good? I know I do. But when we don’t get what we want from others it can turn into self-hatred. Strong word, huh? You may be thinking right now – ‘Not me’ but ask yourself – If no one acknowledged you or liked you or assured you of just how great you are . . . how would you feel? I am not putting down social media or the people who love it. Please, hear that. I am also not saying that maybe one day I will visit it again. I am saying to some it is very damaging, to others it can be fairly painful and to all it can leave us wondering sometimes – ‘Am I good enough?’

I am still learning and I do believe it will be a lifelong journey for me, that the only One I can depend on is The Lord. And maybe you don’t believe in Him. That is none of my business. I will tell you though if you look to anyone else to make you feel good about yourself you will drown. You may again say ‘Not me’ but it will come . . . sooner or later. So, work on loving yourself and trusting yourself now. You have been given a gift or maybe multiple gifts by being you. I am realizing my gifts aren’t obvious like others. I wasn’t born to BE something like a doctor or landscaper. I was born to do things that can’t always be seen only felt. I was born to love. I love others with a passion that is both a gift and a curse. I give all I have to my relationships with people. This oftentimes leaves me hurt and vulnerable. Therefore, I am learning to love the people who treat me right and pray for those who don’t. I crave openness and realness. It was drilled into me my entire life by my own Daddy, the man of God, the Preacher . . . “What will the church people think? What will others think?” Ironic because that is NOT what The Lord says at all! I am having to retrain my brain after 43 YEARS of damage. My hope for you is no matter if you are older or younger than 43 that you will stop the madness NOW! Just this morning I decided I am going to make a list of all the good . . . things about myself. Then I will make copies and place them in different places, even on my phone, to remind me I AM GOOD ENOUGH! I don’t need a list of the negative things. Those are branded into my brain and are readily available even when I don’t ask for them.

So, for today here is the good . . . I am good enough. My list will be great! Take a look at yourself and clean up the things you need to, apologize for your damage, forgive yourself and go love yourself, Sugar! Much Peace and Love, Y’all! Namaste P.S. I will continue to write here on my blog and vlog on our YouTube channel – Crazy Harts Club. You can reach me here and there. You can also subscribe to both of them for free. Have a unicorn spewing glitter kind of weekend!

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Mama’s Day

I really hope I don’t miss anyone as I am writing this. I want to take this time to acknowledge those ladies that were in my life and/or are in my life that have been a wonderful example of a mother to me. I wish I could write all the amazing things about them but I am afraid this post would never end! So here are the little blurbs about them –

Mama – Most importantly is my very own Mama. She brought me into this world and loved me for only a short time before she was killed when I was nine years old. But she loved me well and even though I don’t really remember her, I love hearing stories from those that knew her. She was beautiful – inside and out. She was always thinking of others. Two things I always treasure hearing about her is – 1. If you walked into her kitchen, opened the fridge and saw hardly anything, she could take those few things and make a gourmet meal out of them. She didn’t panic or get frustrated. She lived in the moment. So much so it brings me to 2. She could be in the middle of cooking supper and would see a beautiful sunset or a rose blooming and outside she would go. She would just stop what she was doing and paint the Good Lord’s beauty in nature. Happy Mother’s Day in Heaven, Mama!

Camille – one of Grayson’s home nurses who would listen endlessly to me about some of my most difficult days in life and she would offer comfort and new ways to look at the situation. Thank you, Camille! Happy Mother’s Day!

“Chrisma” – one of Grayson’s home nurses who guided me in my young mothering days. Thank you, “Chrisma”! Happy Mother’s Day!

Cathy Bell & Gail King – two ladies in the church I grew up in that kept my sister and I a lot after mama died while my daddy was marrying or burying someone, blessing or forgiving someone. Cathy is now in Heaven with my mama. Happy Mother’s Day in Heaven, Cathy! Happy Mother’s Day, Gail!

Susie – like a mother to me and a Mamaw to both my girls. Susie was always helping me take care of Grayson before I met Kevin. She taught me how to craft things and most fun of all was being her assistant in weddings doing floral arrangements. She taught me so much!

Marg – my oldest sister. It is painful to write about her right now as my feelings are still extremely hurt by my family. However, the truth is still the truth . . . Marg guided me through my very first pregnancy and was in the delivery room helping to hold my legs and tell me to breathe while I was giving birth. She allowed me to interrupt her life by living with her (it wasn’t my choice and it was forced on her) in my late teens. She helped get me started with kitchen and bedroom stuff in my first apartment. She made sure Grayson always had a place at the table. She wasn’t afraid to feed Grayson. She helped lift Grayson and change her diaper. The greatest of Marg is how she put her bathing suit on (this happened more than once), put a cooler in the shower, sat down on it, reached out for Grayson and held the squirming alligator child while I bathed her. My sister used to be ALL IN not just for me but for my Grayson and my Kloie too. I just don’t know what happened . . . but I wish her a Happy Mother’s Day!

Nancy – my awesome neighbor who is definitely like a mama to me and a grandmama to my girls. She takes care of Kevin too! I have been known to call Nancy before 911 in an emergency. Yep, that’s how much trust I have in her. She has been and still is a friend, a mama, a grandmama, a neighbor, a counselor, my cheerleader, a teacher and well, the list goes on. One thing she is great at is coming up with “Nancyisms”. Funny stories Happy Mother’s Day, Nancy!

Terrie – and this one. Oh what can I say about Terrie aka Mama 2? She was my neighbor when I was in elementary school so I knew her before my mama died. When my mama was killed and my Southern Baptist Preacher Daddy was gone constantly, Terrie would come over in the middle of the night to stay with my sister, Amey, and me even though she had her own husband and two little ones at home. I would eat supper over there as much as I was allowed (by my daddy not her. She loved having me over.) Our choices were frozen pizza or cereal! What the heck? A kids dream! She would French braid my hair super early before school. I would walk across the street and live in her presence as much as I could because I knew she loved me. There was always something going on at her house so I didn’t feel as lonely. All the neighborhood kids played over there. She moved away when I was in high school. Our relationship didn’t end there. We have been in touch over the years and at one point in my late teens/perhaps early 20’s (BRAIN BLOCK) she was going to let me live with her. I still love her as much as I always have! Happy Mother’s Day, Mama 2!

So, for today here is the good . . . Happy Mother’s Day to ALL! I don’t care how you became a mama or who/what you are a mama to (our dogs are children too) but I hope there is Much Peace and Love Y’all! Have a great weekend!