Posted on Leave a comment

I Bid You Adieu . . .

“There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.” Jose N. Harris

Since my surgery two weeks ago I have had ample self-reflection time. I have also had more than enough silence surrounding me in my house because I can’t go anywhere or do anything. My silence screams! My silence can be deafening. The self-reflection has shown me where I have my own shortcomings. I have been able to look back at texts, in particular, to see where and if I had some fault in the heartbreaking outcomes of specific relationships. I have tried to apologize for my part and the ball is left in their court now. I am leaving it up to them to realize their part. We often assume the wrong thing because we don’t communicate about what we are actually feeling. I have failed in this. This has been shown to me directly involving my surgery. There are other relationships I have apologized multiple times for my part and yet the other parties remain selfish and unchanged. Good news for me is I can begin to let that go now but they will have to answer for their negativity. And yet one more relationship that has been on the forefront of my mind for weeks now. Some people don’t realize that even through texts they are still doing the very thing I asked them not to do. With all that I have been through, especially in the last few years, I am an easy target. They don’t want to look at their own shit and instead always focus on mine. Now that they have shown their true character I can begin to walk away from that drama as well and begin to heal.

As far as bidding adieu to my social media – you know as I have written here before . . . I was afraid not to write as much because I thought I would lose readers. Then I became afraid of shutting down social media because how else would people know I have written a blogpost unless I put it out there on Facebook or Instagram. The first was hard enough to overcome but I chose to be present in my life and not worry about putting the pressure on myself to “keep up”. However, staying on social media has proven to be more damaging to me than helpful in numerous ways. We are all looking for that “like” on Facebook. Or that comment that affirms we are “good enough”. We crave positive attention from others. Why? Because it feels good. Who doesn’t want to feel good? I know I do. But when we don’t get what we want from others it can turn into self-hatred. Strong word, huh? You may be thinking right now – ‘Not me’ but ask yourself – If no one acknowledged you or liked you or assured you of just how great you are . . . how would you feel? I am not putting down social media or the people who love it. Please, hear that. I am also not saying that maybe one day I will visit it again. I am saying to some it is very damaging, to others it can be fairly painful and to all it can leave us wondering sometimes – ‘Am I good enough?’

I am still learning and I do believe it will be a lifelong journey for me, that the only One I can depend on is The Lord. And maybe you don’t believe in Him. That is none of my business. I will tell you though if you look to anyone else to make you feel good about yourself you will drown. You may again say ‘Not me’ but it will come . . . sooner or later. So, work on loving yourself and trusting yourself now. You have been given a gift or maybe multiple gifts by being you. I am realizing my gifts aren’t obvious like others. I wasn’t born to BE something like a doctor or landscaper. I was born to do things that can’t always be seen only felt. I was born to love. I love others with a passion that is both a gift and a curse. I give all I have to my relationships with people. This oftentimes leaves me hurt and vulnerable. Therefore, I am learning to love the people who treat me right and pray for those who don’t. I crave openness and realness. It was drilled into me my entire life by my own Daddy, the man of God, the Preacher . . . “What will the church people think? What will others think?” Ironic because that is NOT what The Lord says at all! I am having to retrain my brain after 43 YEARS of damage. My hope for you is no matter if you are older or younger than 43 that you will stop the madness NOW! Just this morning I decided I am going to make a list of all the good . . . things about myself. Then I will make copies and place them in different places, even on my phone, to remind me I AM GOOD ENOUGH! I don’t need a list of the negative things. Those are branded into my brain and are readily available even when I don’t ask for them.

So, for today here is the good . . . I am good enough. My list will be great! Take a look at yourself and clean up the things you need to, apologize for your damage, forgive yourself and go love yourself, Sugar! Much Peace and Love, Y’all! Namaste P.S. I will continue to write here on my blog and vlog on our YouTube channel – Crazy Harts Club. You can reach me here and there. You can also subscribe to both of them for free. Have a unicorn spewing glitter kind of weekend!

Posted on Leave a comment

Positive Purposeful Post (P3)

“When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for stars.”

But what if you’re in a dank, tenebrous cave? How can you even see rainbows or stars? It isn’t possible. What if all you see is darkness? What do you do?

You wait. I know most of us don’t like that word. Especially if the wait seems endless. I feel like I am in a war of sorts. It is the never-ending war with numerous battles to be fought on what seems to be a daily basis. I feel like bombs are being dropped on me and they don’t just explode and it’s over. The impact has a domino effect. It’s like skipping a rock on top of water and watching the ripples go on and on – that is until another rock is thrown. Then I start all over with the chaos.

What are we supposed to do while we are waiting? Well, for one, I pray. I am trying to find my way back closer to The Lord now. Sometimes things are beyond stressful in my life and I can’t see Him. I can’t hear Him. Sometimes it feels like He is nowhere to be found. I know deep down that isn’t true but it’s how I feel.

So, I had a little convo with The Lord the other day. No, seriously, y’all, I did. I told Him I needed some good . . . Of course, in all honesty I think He must be somewhat amused with my ridiculousness – me thinking I can tell Him what to do. But guess what . . .

He really did answer my prayer. For today, here is the good . . . I heard back from Barnes & Noble (of all places – Barnes & Freakin’ Noble! They are huge!) that they are going to have a book signing event for me. What? What? I am so blessed, and this couldn’t have come at a better time. I wanted this to happen weeks and weeks ago, but it never did. Now I sit and think “Yes, Lord, it’s all in YOUR timing, not mine”. This works out better because of the upcoming holiday season and I have more time now to prepare. I am beyond excited to announce Barnes & Noble book signing event for my very first book, My Summer with Jimmy & Nan Dee! Details to come in the next few days. All I can say is don’t give up. Maybe it takes me telling you that or someone else. My amazing neighbor/friend/mother figure, Nancy, told me that very thing. She said just when you feel like you can’t take anymore then something wonderful happens. And trust me – it does! All glory be to God – for real! Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Have a fabulous weekend! Much Peace and Love Y’all!

Posted on Leave a comment

Positive Purposeful Post

It’s time for another Positive Purposeful Post from my very own LFTG jar – 

Sometimes you have to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains and look forward to what’s coming next.

Again, perfect timing for me to pull this one out of my LFTG jar. For me I am thinking of something very specific and it is both sad and hopeful. Let’s start with the sad because you know we always want to end where we can find the hopeful, the good . . .  I have been reflecting on a relationship of mine since late Spring of this year. It was brought to my attention that someone highly important to me has decided to outright lie about a difficult experience that happened in my life many years ago. A few weeks later I was told more information regarding this same relationship. It was about the injustices of how I was treated in the past are actually still in my present. You know how people feel the need to tell you “You can’t live in your past?” Well that may be true but when your past is still in your present it isn’t possible to “get over it”. These unfortunate events led to one thing after another and for me just plain and simple – they snowballed! I am one for principle. I stand up for what is right and just even if it may cost me something. It doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone else. It’s just who I am. All these years I believed certain events were resolved. I also trusted I was seen for who I truly am now not for the bad choices I made when I was a teenager. I was mistaken.  But for today here is the good . . .  It is time for me “to forget what’s gone” – I am not a bad person and those people are not who I want them to be so I move on.  It is time for me to “appreciate what still remains” – I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful daughters, some caring extended family, and a few beloved friends who are like family to me. It is time for me to “look forward to what’s coming next” – No matter what, The Lord is always with me even if I don’t see or feel Him at that moment. He will continue to carry me throughout my days and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt He will never leave me. He has great things for me in my future. I am blessed. Peace and Love Y’all! Have a fabulous weekend!

jane-praying