I hardly know where to begin. For those of you who are used to my writing or that know me personally realize that once I get going it can be challenging at times to stay with me. My thoughts are many. My words are superfluous. And my spirit is animated. However, it’s always entertaining and something beautiful is always set free. So, speaking of FREEDOM . . .
I just got home from the hospital last night after having emergency surgery Monday night. I had a serious complication from my hysterectomy surgery that was 10 weeks ago. It is not typical for this to happen that far out from surgery, but the doctor said I was one of the “unlucky” ones. I will spare you the gory details but if I had waited any longer, I may not be here today.
(With a lack of better verbiage) for a very long time now – I have been weighed down, fatigued and overloaded with negativity but somehow, I kept getting back up – finding it increasingly grueling each time though. There have been definite moments that I didn’t know how or if I would get back up. But I did and kept going trying one way or another to see at least some good . . . except there was always the lingering black cloud. When I say 2020 is not just a new year but a new decade – you can’t even begin to imagine what I mean . . . or just maybe you can.
Something has switched in my soul. The only answer is The Lord. I don’t push my beliefs on you and don’t condemn you if you don’t believe the same. My hope is for you to feel the Peace & Love I feel. It transcends beyond all understanding. I can’t explain it. It’s a gift. I am thankful for it. While I have never been super religious or ritualistic, I have always had a deep faith in The Lord. I have cried out to Him what seems like an infinite amount of times. Then it happened . . . what is “it” you may ask? My ability to be thankful. My ability to “let go”. My ability to open my mind, heart and spirit not to those around me but to myself. I LOVE ME! Do you know why I love me? Because The Lord created me. Being a preacher’s daughter my entire life that one declaration is nothing new . . . in words. However, believing it and actually living it out is entirely different, exciting, scary and new for me. Despite all my heartaches I have been given a gift of PEACE & LOVE that rains down on me daily now. I find myself numerous times every single day saying, “Thank you, Lord, for _____!” The more I practice it the more I experience it. I have lost trust in just about everything in this world but again somehow and I cannot explain it – I continue, daily, to say to Him “Please, Lord, help me trust YOU today.”
There are so many things I want to say to you right now but as I often write . . . if I don’t stop here this blogpost would turn into a novel. So for today here is the good . . . I have been given a GIFT of PEACE & LOVE. It has been freely given to me and I have been chosen to freely give it away. It’s like a river. It runs into my heart, through my soul, and out of my spirit to YOU. Thank you for being on this journey with me. Thank you for riding this roller coaster of a life with me. I am forever grateful. Much Peace & Love Y’all! Namaste
“Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” Carl Bard, American writer and editor
I often laugh out loud when I draw from my very own LFTG (Look for the good) jar even if I am having a rough day. Today is no different. Why is it always great timing? Probably because The Lord sits at my kitchen table where my LFTG jar is located and He has His hands all in it. #THANKFUL
So, for my devoted readers you already know a lot about me, my life and especially if you have been following this past year to year and a half – you know the intense messiness I have been living in . . . or more honestly – the excessive chaos I have been drowning in. My marriage would be at the top of this list. This is not to embarrass my husband, my girls or myself but to simply live out loud in order to help others do the same. I have had many conversations with The Lord during my meditations and don’t just feel but I KNOW He has called me to be my true self. What this means is I have to be vulnerable and open about my life paired with my gift and love for writing He has given me. This call upon me has been more difficult than easy. The blogging and vlogging I absolutely LOVE! The being transparent part not so much sometimes because it leaves the door wide open for judgement.
The above quote can be applied to lots of situations in my life and your life. So, take it wherever it serves you best. For me and in this very moment my marriage is what comes to mind. I have been married now for over 20 years. Wow! That is most of my adult life since I married fairly young. We started out with a ready-made family. I already had Grayson, our now almost 22-year-old daughter. My husband, Kevin, and I were set up on a date by one of my high school friends. She had just gotten married and I told her to tell him everything there was to know about me before he ever laid eyes on me. This included me having to give my first daughter up for adoption (*see “I’m a Grandmama” post) and now having my second daughter by a second man who I was told would not live to her first birthday. Keep in mind Grayson’s first birthday was one month away from when I met Kevin. He decided that yes, he still wanted to go out with me. For years now, however off and on, I often have asked myself – “What was Kevin thinking? A man in his early twenties taking on such major responsibility? Why? Why would he do that?” That thinking comes from my dark place. The place where secrets and lies have almost killed me. The place where Satan lives. The place where it is so dark, I don’t want to live anymore.
It wasn’t too far into our relationship that I became pregnant – yes, once again and Kevin and I were married. I look back at all the challenges and all the adversity we have faced. For over 20 years now I have held onto hurts instead of letting them go and holding onto hope. I have chosen fear to drive me instead of faith that God can change things. I have raged with anger instead of bestowing forgiveness. I have sat and cried over sadness instead of cherishing the good times. These all make me feel heartbroken over the amount of time I have wasted.
For today, here is the good . . . I can choose to start from now and make a brand new ending. This doesn’t mean I won’t have bad days. This doesn’t mean I won’t feel sad or hurt or angry ever again. This means I am choosing love over hate. I have so much to be forgiven for myself. Today I am looking at Kevin as a human being. You hear (read) me say all the time how there is no such thing as perfection. So why would I expect him to be? Why would I expect myself to be? I ask you now – what are you going to choose today? Love or hate? Hurt or hope? Fear or faith? Anger or forgiveness? Sadness or Happiness? None of these are always easy. In fact, for me most of them are hard most of the time when I am thinking about certain issues in my life. I will continue to try though. When I fall down and don’t choose positivity over negativity, I will try to give myself some grace. I will simply get back up and try again. Whatever it is you are being challenged to do, whether it is big or small, try and remember . . . “Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” And of course, also try and remember to Look for the good . . . Know you are not alone. I am right there with you. I hope you have a blessed day. Much Peace and Love Y’all! Namaste
Last week I had Grayson pull a positive saying out of our very own LFTG jar and this week I asked Kloie to. She reached in and when she pulled it out, she just laughed, pointed at me and said “YOU!” I took it from her, read it and agreed “AMEN! Yep, that’s me.” Then I turned around in the kitchen and read it out loud to Grayson and our nurse, Grace. Here it is . . .
“I can’t tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.”
Well, if that isn’t me, I don’t know what is – trying to please everyone. And nope, I’m not trying to be some sort of saint here because believe me this isn’t good for anyone! This is NOT being a winner. Most of my life I have been trying to please others in every way possible. So much so it has almost cost me my life. I am very slowly learning to put myself first – like at a snail’s pace. But not just any ol’ snail. This one has a camper on it’s back that is attached to a Ford F-450 with a family of five and two dogs packed in it with a couple of bikes racked on the back all while pulling a 4-wheeler. That’s a lot! Now you get why I’m so slow???
I think part of it is my anxiety in wondering “what will other people think?” which is what I heard so much growing up . . . “What will the church people think?” That was a standard comment from my daddy since he is a retired Southern Baptist preacher. That explains a lot doesn’t it? Ha, ha, ha. Guess what? I don’t care what “the church people” think and I’m learning that more people are out there in this world hurting rather than not because they are SO WORRIED about what other people think. I am nowhere near not caring at all about what some people have in their mind about me, but I have put a stop to the madness! I will not let it steal my life anymore. Have you thought about that? Have you thought that you are precisely letting someone, or multiple humans STEAL your life? Are you so frightened or uptight that it is making you sick? Maybe you don’t realize the hold other people have on you. Do you feel selfish when you take care of yourself? I used to about everything and now it is becoming less over time. But it takes daily practice. If I told you one day it could actually in real life physically KILL you? Would you keep doing it? Would you keep putting everyone else first? Maybe you aren’t even on your own list of priorities! I wasn’t and it will weigh you down until you break. You think it won’t happen to you. I thought the same thing. I have been through more than most people and thought I was so obviously strong enough to handle anything. Not true at all! It can and will happen to anyone! It’s a cruel joke so stop all the absurdity NOW!
For today, here is the good . . . you really can be yourself and those that love you the way you are just so happen to be the people you want to surround yourself with. If you are not causing any harm to anyone or anything, just trying to live your life and someone still brings you negativity then cut them out! And if you can’t completely do that then please distance yourself from them. They don’t care if you are damaged from it because they will move on and continue living. I urge you to live your life and if you have the courage then I wish for you the FREEDOM to LIVE OUT LOUD! I am now being blessed over and over because I choose to love myself now. I implore you to do the same. I’m always here if you need a little encouragement or reassurance. You’ve got this and so do I! Much Peace and Love Y’all! Namaste
I’m not going to apologize for it and I don’t need the naysayers. I also don’t need to hear any negativity about me doing what I did because more than likely you’re not in our situation and have no idea what it’s like to have a child, who is now an adult, that for her ENTIRE life she has not been able to tell you anything. NOTHING! She is non-verbal. Not only is she non-verbal but she is non-mobile, has no fine motor skills so cannot hold anything in her hands, can’t point, again NOTHING! Now that is not to say she isn’t “in there” because good gracious let me tell you she is still a diva! You just have to look for it.
I have never known what she wants for her birthday. I have never known what she wants for Christmas. I don’t even know what she wants to eat or drink daily! For NINETEEN YEARS, a piece of my heart is broken every day. If there was anything I could give Grayson to bring her even the smallest bit of happiness, then I’m going to do it.
Well, that my friends came in an early 19th birthday present last Wednesday afternoon. Please help us welcome Baby Copper to our family. Copper is a hound mix we rescued from the humane society. Normally Grayson gets agitated and pushes things off her lap but for two straight hours they held each other while we visited there. I had no intentions of getting a puppy but when you witness something like that you just say “YES!” So, for today here is the good . . . Grayson has made it to 19 years today– as of 3:04 p.m. to be exact. And they said she wouldn’t live ‘til her first birthday. Now she has her very own baby! We are grandparents to two granddogs now ;~} Happy Birthday, my angel, Grayson! Peace and Love Y’all!