Posted on Leave a comment

I Bid You Adieu . . .

“There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.” Jose N. Harris

Since my surgery two weeks ago I have had ample self-reflection time. I have also had more than enough silence surrounding me in my house because I can’t go anywhere or do anything. My silence screams! My silence can be deafening. The self-reflection has shown me where I have my own shortcomings. I have been able to look back at texts, in particular, to see where and if I had some fault in the heartbreaking outcomes of specific relationships. I have tried to apologize for my part and the ball is left in their court now. I am leaving it up to them to realize their part. We often assume the wrong thing because we don’t communicate about what we are actually feeling. I have failed in this. This has been shown to me directly involving my surgery. There are other relationships I have apologized multiple times for my part and yet the other parties remain selfish and unchanged. Good news for me is I can begin to let that go now but they will have to answer for their negativity. And yet one more relationship that has been on the forefront of my mind for weeks now. Some people don’t realize that even through texts they are still doing the very thing I asked them not to do. With all that I have been through, especially in the last few years, I am an easy target. They don’t want to look at their own shit and instead always focus on mine. Now that they have shown their true character I can begin to walk away from that drama as well and begin to heal.

As far as bidding adieu to my social media – you know as I have written here before . . . I was afraid not to write as much because I thought I would lose readers. Then I became afraid of shutting down social media because how else would people know I have written a blogpost unless I put it out there on Facebook or Instagram. The first was hard enough to overcome but I chose to be present in my life and not worry about putting the pressure on myself to “keep up”. However, staying on social media has proven to be more damaging to me than helpful in numerous ways. We are all looking for that “like” on Facebook. Or that comment that affirms we are “good enough”. We crave positive attention from others. Why? Because it feels good. Who doesn’t want to feel good? I know I do. But when we don’t get what we want from others it can turn into self-hatred. Strong word, huh? You may be thinking right now – ‘Not me’ but ask yourself – If no one acknowledged you or liked you or assured you of just how great you are . . . how would you feel? I am not putting down social media or the people who love it. Please, hear that. I am also not saying that maybe one day I will visit it again. I am saying to some it is very damaging, to others it can be fairly painful and to all it can leave us wondering sometimes – ‘Am I good enough?’

I am still learning and I do believe it will be a lifelong journey for me, that the only One I can depend on is The Lord. And maybe you don’t believe in Him. That is none of my business. I will tell you though if you look to anyone else to make you feel good about yourself you will drown. You may again say ‘Not me’ but it will come . . . sooner or later. So, work on loving yourself and trusting yourself now. You have been given a gift or maybe multiple gifts by being you. I am realizing my gifts aren’t obvious like others. I wasn’t born to BE something like a doctor or landscaper. I was born to do things that can’t always be seen only felt. I was born to love. I love others with a passion that is both a gift and a curse. I give all I have to my relationships with people. This oftentimes leaves me hurt and vulnerable. Therefore, I am learning to love the people who treat me right and pray for those who don’t. I crave openness and realness. It was drilled into me my entire life by my own Daddy, the man of God, the Preacher . . . “What will the church people think? What will others think?” Ironic because that is NOT what The Lord says at all! I am having to retrain my brain after 43 YEARS of damage. My hope for you is no matter if you are older or younger than 43 that you will stop the madness NOW! Just this morning I decided I am going to make a list of all the good . . . things about myself. Then I will make copies and place them in different places, even on my phone, to remind me I AM GOOD ENOUGH! I don’t need a list of the negative things. Those are branded into my brain and are readily available even when I don’t ask for them.

So, for today here is the good . . . I am good enough. My list will be great! Take a look at yourself and clean up the things you need to, apologize for your damage, forgive yourself and go love yourself, Sugar! Much Peace and Love, Y’all! Namaste P.S. I will continue to write here on my blog and vlog on our YouTube channel – Crazy Harts Club. You can reach me here and there. You can also subscribe to both of them for free. Have a unicorn spewing glitter kind of weekend!

Posted on 6 Comments

I’m a GRANDMAMA!

Yeah, I knew that would get your attention! But I really am and it’s not from who you think. Read on my fabulous Look for the good . . . family and friends . . .

On January 5th, 1995, at 19 years old, I gave birth to a precious, little girl. I named her Brailee Michelle. I also knew that within a couple of days I would quite possibly never see her again. You see, I placed Brailee for adoption. Not because I wanted to but because I was forced to. When I found out I was pregnant at 18 I was a Senior in high school and still a few months from graduating. My daddy and stepmother told me if I kept this baby then they would pretend they never had a daughter named Jane. I wouldn’t even exist to them anymore. I had an afterschool job at a daycare center and was completely dependent on my parents as most 18-year-olds are. The last time I saw her was when I literally placed her in her parents’ arms at 48 hours old. I will spare you all the sad and horrific details and instead concentrate on the good . . . Y’all know this post could go on forever because I love to write, and the details are tremendous – but I will keep it as simple as I can.

Just over two weeks ago a beautiful, strong, determined, 24-year-old woman rang my doorbell. (We planned this only 4 days before when she somehow found me???!!!) We have text everyday and have seen each other again. Her parents named her Rachel and yes, all those years ago I knew they were going to change her name. They were her parents, not me, after all and I just had to live with it. I have respected their entire family all this time by not being intrusive. Rachel is so much like me. The top half of her face looks like mine. She loves to write (and writes beautifully). The list just continues. As my readers know and especially those very close to me – it was earlier this year that I didn’t want to go on. Too many bad things have continued to pile up on my shoulders for 43 YEARS and I just completely fell . . . apart. Broken. Shattered. Crushed. Exhausted. But somehow by the grace of God Himself, He helped me hang on. He has given me a new life. I have an extremely supportive husband who is working hard everyday with me to have THE GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER. I have not just two but THREE magnificent daughters who are all very different but have their own special place in my heart. And now I’m a grandmama to a darling little boy. Rachel’s son. It’s surreal. So, for today here is the good . . . Are you kidding? All the above is good – no, it’s GREAT! I am attaching the video of our reunion and one of my favorite pics from this past weekend. Also attaching a pic of her “info card” that was on her little hospital bed (even though she never laid in it because I held her as much as I could in the hospital). I can’t say it enough . . . DON’T GIVE UP! HANG ON! There really is good . . . on the other side of whatever it is that haunts you. Much Peace and Love Y’all! Namaste

IMG_5117 Click for video

Posted on Leave a comment

Positive Purposeful Post – It’s been a long time coming . . .

“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”

I pulled this one out of my very own LFTG jar weeks ago. And I mean WEEKS ago! I haven’t been able to write in so long. As you know, because I always say it, I miss writing. I love it! I just haven’t been in the right frame of mind to do it. I’m still surprised I am writing now. The reason I am is because I know for a fact that I am not the only one who needs to hear this.

FEAR! I am assuming all people are afraid of something at some point in their life. That is struggle enough. This is for you too! But what about those people – ME, ME, ME – that battle fear EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. How do we keep moving? How do we not give up? The only answer I can give is by the grace of God I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am about to take you on a journey with me that I have no idea where it is going or what it is going to look like. But I invite you to come along and experience it with me because I can guarantee it will, at the very least, be entertaining of some sort.

My husband, Kevin, and I have separated. After 19 years of marriage! We have two beautiful and unique daughters. For that I am blessed! I am now 42 years old with two “adult” children. My youngest daughter, Kloie, is 18 and just left two weeks ago today to go into the AmeriCorps. She will be gone for the next 10 months! She is absolutely MY SUNSHINE I need every day, so this has been a major change for me. More on that in another post. My oldest daughter, Grayson, is 20. As you know, she is severely handicapped in all areas of life. She is like having a baby in a 20-year-old body. We have come to yet another crossroads in our lives. Grayson goes to a special school and they can attend until they are 21. She will be 21 in November, so this will be her last year of school. That gives me a few hours during the day to have some sort of job but only limited time. What employer is going to be okay with me saying “I will be taking summers off, at least one to two days a month off, several days off at Thanksgiving, two weeks off at Christmas and a week off for Spring Break? Because when school is out I must stay home with Grayson. We do have nursing, but she only comes at certain times and she won’t be with us forever. So that brings me to only being able to work in the school district by subbing at her school. Here are the problems with that – it pays very little money. Not enough for us to live on. Grayson only has one more year of school left – really 9 months. What will happen next June? Then what? Where will she go IF I could find a job? Who will take care of her while I’m at work? I have no family support. Also, subbing at her school is extremely taxing not only physically, but mentally and emotionally because I am working with students like my own daughter who are severely handicapped. It is difficult to live and work doing the same thing with no physical, emotional or mental break.

After staying at home for most of 20 years to take care of Grayson, what am I going to do to take care of my girls and myself financially? NOW THAT IS FEAR! I stopped listening to society and how we are supposed to all have a college degree and work 8-5, Monday through Friday, and have the perfect white picket fence family. That is not my reality and I know for so many it is not a reality for them at all either! Instead of judging each other I propose we support each other. As you have heard me say/write before –One of the most important things that I NEED the world to know is it doesn’t matter what you can or can’t do, what you do or don’t look like, what you do or don’t have – EVERYONE HAS A PURPOSE! EVERYONE IS HUMAN SO TREAT EVERYONE YOU MEET LIKE THEY ARE. We all breathe the same. 

So, for today here is the good . . . I am strong. You are strong. We are stronger than we think. I feel very lonely right now. So lonely it is suffocating at times. However, I know somewhere deep down in my soul that someone is watching over me and taking care of me. I am having to walk, sometimes crawl, even though I want to run . . . through this ugly thing called FEAR! But I am doing it and I know on the other side of fear will be the PEACE and HAPPINESS I have so longed for. I don’t know how long it will take to get there. I don’t know how painful it will be to get there. But I KNOW I WILL get there. You can come with me. I will hold your hand if you want me to. I will put my arms around you if you want me to. I love you! Much Peace and Love Y’all!

P.S. Be on the lookout for the next post about my journey to PEACE AND HAPPINESS . . .

Posted on Leave a comment

Positive Purposeful Post (P3)

“When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for stars.”

But what if you’re in a dank, tenebrous cave? How can you even see rainbows or stars? It isn’t possible. What if all you see is darkness? What do you do?

You wait. I know most of us don’t like that word. Especially if the wait seems endless. I feel like I am in a war of sorts. It is the never-ending war with numerous battles to be fought on what seems to be a daily basis. I feel like bombs are being dropped on me and they don’t just explode and it’s over. The impact has a domino effect. It’s like skipping a rock on top of water and watching the ripples go on and on – that is until another rock is thrown. Then I start all over with the chaos.

What are we supposed to do while we are waiting? Well, for one, I pray. I am trying to find my way back closer to The Lord now. Sometimes things are beyond stressful in my life and I can’t see Him. I can’t hear Him. Sometimes it feels like He is nowhere to be found. I know deep down that isn’t true but it’s how I feel.

So, I had a little convo with The Lord the other day. No, seriously, y’all, I did. I told Him I needed some good . . . Of course, in all honesty I think He must be somewhat amused with my ridiculousness – me thinking I can tell Him what to do. But guess what . . .

He really did answer my prayer. For today, here is the good . . . I heard back from Barnes & Noble (of all places – Barnes & Freakin’ Noble! They are huge!) that they are going to have a book signing event for me. What? What? I am so blessed, and this couldn’t have come at a better time. I wanted this to happen weeks and weeks ago, but it never did. Now I sit and think “Yes, Lord, it’s all in YOUR timing, not mine”. This works out better because of the upcoming holiday season and I have more time now to prepare. I am beyond excited to announce Barnes & Noble book signing event for my very first book, My Summer with Jimmy & Nan Dee! Details to come in the next few days. All I can say is don’t give up. Maybe it takes me telling you that or someone else. My amazing neighbor/friend/mother figure, Nancy, told me that very thing. She said just when you feel like you can’t take anymore then something wonderful happens. And trust me – it does! All glory be to God – for real! Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Have a fabulous weekend! Much Peace and Love Y’all!

Posted on Leave a comment

18 YEARS of . . .

Happy Anniversary to yes, still my best friend, Kevin! So, it has been 18 YEARS of . . . gosh, where do I begin? What has our relationship looked like? What are some good times? What are some low times? Who is Kevin to me? Here we go . . . 1. Love at first sight (for me, not him) 2. Kevin embracing and actually talking to Grayson when they first saw each other in Easley, S. C. even though he was told death was knocking at my baby’s door 3. Warming up our cars on frigid mornings at our first apartment 4. Filling ice trays and eating either a Christmas Wreath or Taco Wreath all the time (because I have NEVER liked to cook) 5. Pink/white baby Nikes, a leather jacket, and a fishing pole 6. Asking me to marry him, down on one knee, “behind the curtain” 7. We became a family of 3 and Kev vowed in a special part of our wedding ceremony to always take care of us! 8. We brought our (always blooming) Kloie baby into this world a little early and two days before Christmas. Best. Christmas. Present. Ever. 9. Double Diaper Duty, Double Feedings, Double because Grayson never could . . . 10. Wiener daddy already and then rescues another wiener just because (be still my heart) 11. Sock Man 12. Giver of the best Valentine’s Day Gifts 13. Recliners made out of sand on the beach for his babies 14. Safe place to fall – Grayson snuggled under her daddy’s arm, leaning into his chest, and her legs wrapped around his so he can’t get away (she still does this!); Kloie riding on his back as a little one or taking special Jeep rides around the ‘hood now as a teenager; Reesy’s little resting spot on the back of his neck 15. The many sacrifices to take care of us – The “BLUICK” 16. Always taking care of my mama’s grave 17. Kevin is just plain ingenious! 18. Being forever my dress up partner. He loves to get into character!

And the many reasons I love Kevin go on and on. There have been mountains and there have been valleys. A lot of marriages don’t survive these days for any number of reasons. Having a severely handicapped child for our entire marriage on top of the typical tough times in life has put a great weight on our shoulders BUT the Lord, God, Himself continues to somehow keep Kevin and I together. We may get knocked down but we always get back up – whether it is one of us pulling on or kicking the other one back up – we always get back up. So, for today here is the good . . . Thank you, Lord, for 18 years of smiling, frowning, laughing, crying and giving me a partner to do this crazy thing called life with. Much Peace and Love Y’all!  Enjoy all the pics below . . . 

Posted on Leave a comment

The First Positive Purposeful Post of the New Year!

For those of you who may be new to my blog here is the explanation of today’s and future posts that will be named “Positive Purposeful Post“. The founding belief of this company is to bring you inspiring positivity one breath at a time. All of our products are a reflection of this very idea. For example, our LFTG (Look For The Good) Jars are filled with inspirational sayings/quotes. Each saying/quote has a crack ‘n peel backing so if you want to you can stick it on something for a positive reminder or simply throw it back in for a random draw another day. GO TO OUR STORE AND BUY ONE FOR YOURSELF OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW! YOU WON’T REGRET IT! So, having said that, periodically I will be doing my own random draw out of my personal LFTG jar and will be posting it on here with a story that emulates that message. Let’s do the first one for the new year now . . .

If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” Buddha

Well, I want to be sure everyone knows what compassion means so I looked it up. Yes, I am a word girl. I love words! And yes, I know what compassion means but here it is for all to be sure – compassion – a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

So, how am I to have compassion for myself? I can’t stand selfish people! Let me say it again – I can’t stand selfish people! Don’t get me wrong I am no saint, far from it and I do believe we all have a wee bit of selfishness in us but overall, no, I am not selfish. It honestly blows my mind how people think of themselves first and constantly. I am talking about adults here. Babies, children, and teens do this naturally and we have to teach (or try to teach) them to look around and think of other people. How can we help others? How can we love others? Please see beyond your own little circle.  Sure, my life is different than most people’s life. My oldest daughter always depends on me. She always has and always will. She will never live on her on. She doesn’t even leave the house without us. This isn’t for you to feel sorry for us. The quote I pulled out of my very own LFTG jar today actually makes me question myself. Since I can’t stand selfishness and really don’t have the option to be selfish – then how can I have compassion for myself. Isn’t that selfish I ask? Yes, I do feel a deep sorrow for us and TOTALLY sympathize with other people in situations with special needs. But how do I alleviate the suffering for myself? As 2016 was coming to a close, and you well know it was pure hell (see previous post), I decided I was going to be making some changes. I don’t know that I want to call them resolutions for 2017 because no one takes those seriously anymore. However, I am very serious about my intentions for 2017. The very first thing 1. Thank the Lord EVERY DAY for something! 2. Take care of myself! I usually don’t take care of myself. I put EVERYONE else before me EVERY SINGLE DAY! Now when I say take care of myself I don’t mean it’s all about me but I do mean take care of this mind, body, and spirit He has given me. I will do my best to do the usual – eat better, exercise, blah, blah, blah. Most importantly though is nurturing my spirit. I will say ‘NO’ to things that are not good for me and/or my family because I am learning self-respect. I do not have time for drama or things that are not truly important in life.

So, in closing here how can you have deep sympathy and sorrow for yourself but not stopping there – finish the definition of compassion. How can you alleviate your suffering? This isn’t a pass to be angry and yell at people. This is to remind you to be respectful of the ‘you’ that God made! For today, here is the good . . . I am going to continue to love with all I have including loving this Jane that God made. I will continue to have compassion and work hard to fight for rights of those who can’t. I am not in a race. I am on a journey. Much Peace and Love Y’all!

Posted on Leave a comment

I apologize . . .

I apologize for a couple of things today. First, I have not blogged in almost two weeks. Second, this blogpost will probably be random and rambling – but that is truly me. So let’s get to it –

My heart is full! I can’t even explain ‘how’ but perhaps ‘why’. If I were to tell you all the crappy things that happen seriously EVERY SINGLE DAY to me then you would also wonder ‘how’ my heart is full. But the ‘why’ is simple. Simple yet difficult. It is The Lord, God Almighty, Jesus Himself. Simple but so, so hard to listen to Him or talk to Him or follow Him and definitely hard to live for Him. For me it is anyway. But something, which I have to describe as The Holy Spirit  because there is no other explanation, has inspired me. And listen I have a hard time understanding who The Holy Spirit is and really does even though I have grown up in a Christian home my entire life. He lives through me. Yeah, yeah I have heard it all my life – to let Jesus live through you but lately I have felt it so consistently it’s honestly a little scary. I wait for the other shoe to drop. I wait for what’s around the corner. I know my life is very difficult. BUT (and there are a lot of buts in here today) I am talking to Him sooooo much now. I have more and more conversations with The Lord it is unreal. And yeah, yeah we always hear “He is right beside you” but do we actually live that out? I have been trying more lately and y’all I can be standing in a pile of doo doo and praise the Lord. Yep! It’s weird! We are all hurting over something or have in the past or will in the future. I implore you today, RIGHT NOW, to Look for the good . . . in all you think, say, and do. The more you do it the more natural it becomes and then all of a sudden you are experiencing blessings all around you that would never have looked like a blessing before. For today, here is the good . . . I, Jane J. Hart, have a Father (Jesus) who never stops loving me even when I mess up – which is daily. I have been blessed with a husband, my Kev, who is supportive, responsible, works hard and gives his all to take care of me and our girls. I have been blessed with a severely handicap daughter, Grayson, who is a beautiful soul trapped in a body that won’t let her do anything – not speak, not hold, not do anything by herself – but that is only temporary and God thought enough of me to trust me to take care of her and love her and get to experience a miracle through her. I have been blessed with a typical (not handicap), not-so-typical free spirit, hippie, crazy smart daughter, Kloie, who is truly my sunshine not just on cloudy days but every day. How, not lucky, but blessed am I by God to have this gift of a family? I told you He has a sense of humor! May you look for and find your real blessings today. Have a great weekend. Peace and Love Y’all!

full-heart

Posted on Leave a comment

Big Will’s Light Continues To Shine

Today is a memorable day. It is the one year anniversary of my nephew’s death. I have two ways of looking at it. A piece of my heart is broken. I can’t fully understand why he had a short life here on Earth. Yet I can also see it on a positive note. How? How can we ever see death of someone we loved as positive? It isn’t easy by any means but what I wrote about him in June still rings true. The Lord’s light that was shining down where Will died (see blogpost “Big Will”) is still shining through my niece, Morgan Martin. I know today’s post may be short but it is meant to encourage you. For today here is the good . . . God is great! God is strong and carries us through everything – no matter what. Talk to Him just like you are having a conversation with anyone. It’s okay to ask Him ‘why?’. It’s okay to tell Him you don’t understand. Ask Him to wrap His arms around you and be thankful for all the good . . . things in your life. FOCUS on the good . . . things. I also encourage you to go read my niece’s blog where she has shared her heart with you. www.morganjmartin.com Peace and Love Y’all!

peace-and-love

Posted on Leave a comment

Positive Purposeful Post

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” Art Roy Remy

Raise your hand if you have ever had to go out of your comfort zone. Me, Me, Me! I’m raising my hand. This thought provoking quote out of my personal LFTG jar definitely speaks to things I have been through but in particular it made me think of a friend of mine. I will not ever give away specific details because I do not want to give away their identity. I actually got a text from her this morning asking for prayers. She had a meeting with someone today to discuss a very personal matter that is near and dear to her heart. This topic is very important to many families across our whole world. She was nervous at how she would present this information to this “important” person. My response was this – “I definitely will. Remember The Lord is always right beside you. He will be in there with you today. You be yourself and remember WHY you are doing this. Don’t try and be something you’re not. Don’t try to impress this ‘important’ person. Your passion for this is a gift from God and when you do your part God takes care of the rest. You aren’t in control. He is. JUST BE YOU!” Then I added this next text to make her laugh a little – “Also remember this ‘important’ person is just a person too. This ‘important’ person poops like you and puts his/her pants on one leg at a time just like you. That has gotten me through A LOT in dealing with ‘higher up’ people my entire adult life. Trust me. I’ve had to fight for a lot.”

So for today here are many of the goods . . . I love having friends that can count on me to pray for them and who feel comfortable asking. I also love that those friends do the same for me. In our society we may talk about God on a surface level but do we actually live for Him? That is sooo difficult sometimes! I have very special friends I can text, e-mail, or call and know they will pray for me. I am blessed. Remember this when you have to get out of your comfort zone. It’s a promise from God – “I command you – be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9     Peace and Love Y’all! Have a fabulous week!

motivational poster quote LIFE BEGINS AT THE END OF COMFORT ZONE. scandinavian or american style room interior.