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I Bid You Adieu . . .

“There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.” Jose N. Harris

Since my surgery two weeks ago I have had ample self-reflection time. I have also had more than enough silence surrounding me in my house because I can’t go anywhere or do anything. My silence screams! My silence can be deafening. The self-reflection has shown me where I have my own shortcomings. I have been able to look back at texts, in particular, to see where and if I had some fault in the heartbreaking outcomes of specific relationships. I have tried to apologize for my part and the ball is left in their court now. I am leaving it up to them to realize their part. We often assume the wrong thing because we don’t communicate about what we are actually feeling. I have failed in this. This has been shown to me directly involving my surgery. There are other relationships I have apologized multiple times for my part and yet the other parties remain selfish and unchanged. Good news for me is I can begin to let that go now but they will have to answer for their negativity. And yet one more relationship that has been on the forefront of my mind for weeks now. Some people don’t realize that even through texts they are still doing the very thing I asked them not to do. With all that I have been through, especially in the last few years, I am an easy target. They don’t want to look at their own shit and instead always focus on mine. Now that they have shown their true character I can begin to walk away from that drama as well and begin to heal.

As far as bidding adieu to my social media – you know as I have written here before . . . I was afraid not to write as much because I thought I would lose readers. Then I became afraid of shutting down social media because how else would people know I have written a blogpost unless I put it out there on Facebook or Instagram. The first was hard enough to overcome but I chose to be present in my life and not worry about putting the pressure on myself to “keep up”. However, staying on social media has proven to be more damaging to me than helpful in numerous ways. We are all looking for that “like” on Facebook. Or that comment that affirms we are “good enough”. We crave positive attention from others. Why? Because it feels good. Who doesn’t want to feel good? I know I do. But when we don’t get what we want from others it can turn into self-hatred. Strong word, huh? You may be thinking right now – ‘Not me’ but ask yourself – If no one acknowledged you or liked you or assured you of just how great you are . . . how would you feel? I am not putting down social media or the people who love it. Please, hear that. I am also not saying that maybe one day I will visit it again. I am saying to some it is very damaging, to others it can be fairly painful and to all it can leave us wondering sometimes – ‘Am I good enough?’

I am still learning and I do believe it will be a lifelong journey for me, that the only One I can depend on is The Lord. And maybe you don’t believe in Him. That is none of my business. I will tell you though if you look to anyone else to make you feel good about yourself you will drown. You may again say ‘Not me’ but it will come . . . sooner or later. So, work on loving yourself and trusting yourself now. You have been given a gift or maybe multiple gifts by being you. I am realizing my gifts aren’t obvious like others. I wasn’t born to BE something like a doctor or landscaper. I was born to do things that can’t always be seen only felt. I was born to love. I love others with a passion that is both a gift and a curse. I give all I have to my relationships with people. This oftentimes leaves me hurt and vulnerable. Therefore, I am learning to love the people who treat me right and pray for those who don’t. I crave openness and realness. It was drilled into me my entire life by my own Daddy, the man of God, the Preacher . . . “What will the church people think? What will others think?” Ironic because that is NOT what The Lord says at all! I am having to retrain my brain after 43 YEARS of damage. My hope for you is no matter if you are older or younger than 43 that you will stop the madness NOW! Just this morning I decided I am going to make a list of all the good . . . things about myself. Then I will make copies and place them in different places, even on my phone, to remind me I AM GOOD ENOUGH! I don’t need a list of the negative things. Those are branded into my brain and are readily available even when I don’t ask for them.

So, for today here is the good . . . I am good enough. My list will be great! Take a look at yourself and clean up the things you need to, apologize for your damage, forgive yourself and go love yourself, Sugar! Much Peace and Love, Y’all! Namaste P.S. I will continue to write here on my blog and vlog on our YouTube channel – Crazy Harts Club. You can reach me here and there. You can also subscribe to both of them for free. Have a unicorn spewing glitter kind of weekend!

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Positive Purposeful Post

“Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” Carl Bard, American writer and editor

I often laugh out loud when I draw from my very own LFTG (Look for the good) jar even if I am having a rough day. Today is no different. Why is it always great timing? Probably because The Lord sits at my kitchen table where my LFTG jar is located and He has His hands all in it. #THANKFUL

So, for my devoted readers you already know a lot about me, my life and especially if you have been following this past year to year and a half – you know the intense messiness I have been living in . . . or more honestly – the excessive chaos I have been drowning in. My marriage would be at the top of this list. This is not to embarrass my husband, my girls or myself but to simply live out loud in order to help others do the same. I have had many conversations with The Lord during my meditations and don’t just feel but I KNOW He has called me to be my true self. What this means is I have to be vulnerable and open about my life paired with my gift and love for writing He has given me. This call upon me has been more difficult than easy. The blogging and vlogging I absolutely LOVE! The being transparent part not so much sometimes because it leaves the door wide open for judgement.

The above quote can be applied to lots of situations in my life and your life. So, take it wherever it serves you best. For me and in this very moment my marriage is what comes to mind. I have been married now for over 20 years. Wow! That is most of my adult life since I married fairly young. We started out with a ready-made family. I already had Grayson, our now almost 22-year-old daughter. My husband, Kevin, and I were set up on a date by one of my high school friends. She had just gotten married and I told her to tell him everything there was to know about me before he ever laid eyes on me. This included me having to give my first daughter up for adoption (*see “I’m a Grandmama” post) and now having my second daughter by a second man who I was told would not live to her first birthday. Keep in mind Grayson’s first birthday was one month away from when I met Kevin. He decided that yes, he still wanted to go out with me. For years now, however off and on, I often have asked myself – “What was Kevin thinking? A man in his early twenties taking on such major responsibility? Why? Why would he do that?” That thinking comes from my dark place. The place where secrets and lies have almost killed me. The place where Satan lives. The place where it is so dark, I don’t want to live anymore.

It wasn’t too far into our relationship that I became pregnant – yes, once again and Kevin and I were married. I look back at all the challenges and all the adversity we have faced. For over 20 years now I have held onto hurts instead of letting them go and holding onto hope. I have chosen fear to drive me instead of faith that God can change things. I have raged with anger instead of bestowing forgiveness. I have sat and cried over sadness instead of cherishing the good times. These all make me feel heartbroken over the amount of time I have wasted.

For today, here is the good . . . I can choose to start from now and make a brand new ending. This doesn’t mean I won’t have bad days. This doesn’t mean I won’t feel sad or hurt or angry ever again. This means I am choosing love over hate. I have so much to be forgiven for myself. Today I am looking at Kevin as a human being. You hear (read) me say all the time how there is no such thing as perfection. So why would I expect him to be? Why would I expect myself to be? I ask you now – what are you going to choose today? Love or hate? Hurt or hope? Fear or faith? Anger or forgiveness? Sadness or Happiness? None of these are always easy. In fact, for me most of them are hard most of the time when I am thinking about certain issues in my life. I will continue to try though. When I fall down and don’t choose positivity over negativity, I will try to give myself some grace. I will simply get back up and try again. Whatever it is you are being challenged to do, whether it is big or small, try and remember . . . “Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” And of course, also try and remember to Look for the good . . . Know you are not alone. I am right there with you. I hope you have a blessed day. Much Peace and Love Y’all! Namaste

 

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Thankful Thursday

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am trying to be more intentional in my own life. I write here on my blog all these positive things and yet still struggle with living them out myself. However, I am also learning that instead of beating myself up for this I will simply love myself through it. For those of you that have been my blog readers for awhile or for those of you that know me personally, you know loving myself is one of the greatest challenges of my life. Seems like a simple task to some, while for me it has always been daunting. I enjoy blogging and vlogging so much that I have put unnecessary stress on myself to try and do it most days of the week. Why you may ask? I’ll be honest – it’s because I don’t want to lose you . . . my Look for the good . . . readers. It brings me great joy knowing through my darkness I may help someone else find the light. I’m so worried that in the blogging world if I don’t “keep it up” or “keep it consistent” that people will stop reading it. But you know what? I AM NOT IN CONTROL of that . . . AT ALL! It is in The Lord’s hands who He knows needs to read these words and it’s all in His timing. As I am continuing to learn through yoga . . . I have to let that shit go . . . Yes! I just cussed and I still believe in God and I have a deep faith in Him, and He still loves me. There is no such thing as perfection. I am doing my best. Just BE YOU!

Speaking of timing I pulled this quote out of my very own LFTG jar today. Here we go . . .

“Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love and value.”

*This is dedicated to all those in the world who think they aren’t good enough or something is wrong with them. For all of those drowning in the darkness.

Remember YOU are LOVED! Just because we have made some bad decisions EVEN IF it’s the same decisions over and over doesn’t mean we are bad. There may be numerous reasons why we have the dark side. The ugly, scary side to us. Everything isn’t our fault. Fear will drive us to do things that are not healthy for us. It’s okay to be scared. I’m scared too! I just want to be loved for the real me inside all this pain. Surround yourself with those that love you and get away from those that judge you. For they are sick themselves. Perhaps we should all practice giving a little more grace to each other . . . but some from a distance.

For today, here is the good . . . I will continue to learn how to love myself. I will not punish myself for not blogging/vlogging most days of the week because I am choosing to live more intentional and be more present in my own life. I will continue to LIVE OUT LOUD and know that The Lord is using my messiness to help others. For all of this I am THANKFUL and not just on Thursday. Now go love yourself! Much Peace and Love Y’all! Namaste

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WHEN TO SOME PEOPLE – YOU COME WITH A WARNING LABEL

I have been through some hell especially in the last 12 months . . . at times not sure how or if I was gonna get through it. Wanna know my secret? YOGA! I’ve had this new, “not so little” tattoo for a bit now. *See pic below It is my actual body (photo cred to my daughter’s nurse), then I added the very bottom “message” and passed it on to my tattoo artist – Thank you, Jon Sanford! It is my body growing out of the lotus flower. The lotus flower is rooted in muddy, nasty water and flourishes into something beautiful. It reminds me every day something splendid can rise up out of ugliness. If you look closely you can see my actual thighs right above the petals as I am sitting in the lotus position itself. Speaking of the petals, I wanted eight of them to represent the eight limbs of yoga. Perhaps more on that another time.

What yoga has done for me is truly amazing! Not only amazing but transforming. Yeah, I have worked out on and off throughout the years but still would not consider myself athletic. A lot of people may think of yoga as just another way to exercise. And they wouldn’t be wrong. But that is not the true meaning of yoga. Yoga is mind, body, and spirit. This is definitely my journey to peace within. It has taught me or is actually still teaching me to replace wicked and negative thoughts in my head with positive, happy thoughts. I do quite literally have to tell myself sometimes when something makes me sad or anger pops in my brain, to change it by pushing it out and 1. Not allowing myself to think about it anymore and 2. Replacing it with something joyful. I now ask myself – is this, whatever “this” may be, bringing me happiness? Just today I discovered a new way to breathe during my practice – meaning the actual exercises I do during class. Because of all I have been enduring lately all I do is spew anger. And I mean SPEW! It is toxic to myself and those around me. My intention I set for myself today was to breathe for everyone in this entire world who is considered “less than” – in whatever and all ways that may be. Every time I inhaled, I took their sadness and every time I exhaled I spewed! But I spewed PEACE and imagined it raining down on them. I could go into so much more detail (as you know) about yoga but this post would never end. Ha, ha, ha! So, for today, here is the good . . . this is a process. It is a journey not a destination that I am trying to hurry to. I recently met with one of my dear friends who said to me she loved how I was open about my life being messy and how realistic I am. And a few months ago, one of my yogi friends said to me that she loved how I live my life out loud. These two have no idea how much of a compliment these statements are to me. For 43 years I have lived in so much fear of “what will other people think” with little sprinkles of me being my true self. Because of what yoga has done for me, I can fully embrace the Jane that The Lord has always meant for me to be. Who wouldn’t want to live out loud??? Now I know there will be bad times and sad times still to come but I am going to soak up and enjoy every bit of peace as a TRUE GIFT that The Lord is trying to give me. I sincerely hope you have a blessed weekend. Now go love yourself! Much Peace and Love Y’all! Namaste

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Positive Purposeful Post – It’s been a long time coming . . .

“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”

I pulled this one out of my very own LFTG jar weeks ago. And I mean WEEKS ago! I haven’t been able to write in so long. As you know, because I always say it, I miss writing. I love it! I just haven’t been in the right frame of mind to do it. I’m still surprised I am writing now. The reason I am is because I know for a fact that I am not the only one who needs to hear this.

FEAR! I am assuming all people are afraid of something at some point in their life. That is struggle enough. This is for you too! But what about those people – ME, ME, ME – that battle fear EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. How do we keep moving? How do we not give up? The only answer I can give is by the grace of God I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am about to take you on a journey with me that I have no idea where it is going or what it is going to look like. But I invite you to come along and experience it with me because I can guarantee it will, at the very least, be entertaining of some sort.

My husband, Kevin, and I have separated. After 19 years of marriage! We have two beautiful and unique daughters. For that I am blessed! I am now 42 years old with two “adult” children. My youngest daughter, Kloie, is 18 and just left two weeks ago today to go into the AmeriCorps. She will be gone for the next 10 months! She is absolutely MY SUNSHINE I need every day, so this has been a major change for me. More on that in another post. My oldest daughter, Grayson, is 20. As you know, she is severely handicapped in all areas of life. She is like having a baby in a 20-year-old body. We have come to yet another crossroads in our lives. Grayson goes to a special school and they can attend until they are 21. She will be 21 in November, so this will be her last year of school. That gives me a few hours during the day to have some sort of job but only limited time. What employer is going to be okay with me saying “I will be taking summers off, at least one to two days a month off, several days off at Thanksgiving, two weeks off at Christmas and a week off for Spring Break? Because when school is out I must stay home with Grayson. We do have nursing, but she only comes at certain times and she won’t be with us forever. So that brings me to only being able to work in the school district by subbing at her school. Here are the problems with that – it pays very little money. Not enough for us to live on. Grayson only has one more year of school left – really 9 months. What will happen next June? Then what? Where will she go IF I could find a job? Who will take care of her while I’m at work? I have no family support. Also, subbing at her school is extremely taxing not only physically, but mentally and emotionally because I am working with students like my own daughter who are severely handicapped. It is difficult to live and work doing the same thing with no physical, emotional or mental break.

After staying at home for most of 20 years to take care of Grayson, what am I going to do to take care of my girls and myself financially? NOW THAT IS FEAR! I stopped listening to society and how we are supposed to all have a college degree and work 8-5, Monday through Friday, and have the perfect white picket fence family. That is not my reality and I know for so many it is not a reality for them at all either! Instead of judging each other I propose we support each other. As you have heard me say/write before –One of the most important things that I NEED the world to know is it doesn’t matter what you can or can’t do, what you do or don’t look like, what you do or don’t have – EVERYONE HAS A PURPOSE! EVERYONE IS HUMAN SO TREAT EVERYONE YOU MEET LIKE THEY ARE. We all breathe the same. 

So, for today here is the good . . . I am strong. You are strong. We are stronger than we think. I feel very lonely right now. So lonely it is suffocating at times. However, I know somewhere deep down in my soul that someone is watching over me and taking care of me. I am having to walk, sometimes crawl, even though I want to run . . . through this ugly thing called FEAR! But I am doing it and I know on the other side of fear will be the PEACE and HAPPINESS I have so longed for. I don’t know how long it will take to get there. I don’t know how painful it will be to get there. But I KNOW I WILL get there. You can come with me. I will hold your hand if you want me to. I will put my arms around you if you want me to. I love you! Much Peace and Love Y’all!

P.S. Be on the lookout for the next post about my journey to PEACE AND HAPPINESS . . .

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Positive Purposeful Post

For those of you who may be new to our blog or may just have missed the meaning behind our “Positive Purposeful Post”(s) here is the explanation – The founding belief of this company is to bring you inspiring positivity one breath at a time. All of our products are a reflection of this very idea. For example, our LFTG (Look For The Good) jars are filled with inspirational sayings/quotes. Each saying/quote has a crack ‘n peel backing so if you want to you can stick it on something for a positive reminder or simply throw it back in for a random draw another day. Head on over to our SHOP and purchase your very own today or bless someone else with one! (They come in two different sizes) So, having said that, periodically I will be doing my own random draw out of my personal LFTG jar and will be posting it on here with a story that emulates that message. These will be named “Positive Purposeful Post”. Time for another one below –

“In the words of one great prayer: ‘Bless me into usefulness.’” Sogyal Rinpoche

This is one of my FAVORITES! First, don’t we all want to be blessed? Second, don’t we all want to be useful? Well, I know I want both of these things. If you have been one of my blog readers for any amount of time, especially reading the “Positive Purposeful Post”(s) then you know somehow each and every saying/quote impacts me in some amazing way. That is why I love pulling from my very own LFTG (Look for the good . . . ) jar for daily inspiration! Of course, this quote makes me think of what I am currently doing for work in my own life.

I am a substitute for a special education school. One of my daughters also attends there. I am a substitute these days because full-time wasn’t the best match for our life right now. However, I LOVE substituting! You get the chance to be in multiple classrooms and teach many different students. Since we are the adults and the teachers you would think the kids are benefiting from us, right? I do hope that is the case. On the other hand, I am not exaggerating at all when I tell you I am the one who is benefiting from these students EVERY TIME I WORK WITH THEM! I was recently asked to do a long-term sub position for a new student coming in to our school. I figured I could at least be useful in some way even though there were a lot of unknowns. Turns out I am being blessed by learning numerous things myself.

So, for today, here are many of the goods . . .  I am having to learn sign language which has always intrigued me. I love to watch people sign. I am learning to let go of fear and show these students, who may have unpredictable behaviors, that I love them and am here for them. I do not want a child/adult (because some are adults already including my daughter) to ever think they aren’t loved by someone. We had one of our wheelchair bound, non-verbal, blind students communicate to us this past week that he did not want to be on a beanbag for leisure time. You may be wondering how does someone with these limitations communicate? If you could only witness it your mind would be blown. It is all about slowing down and watching, literally watching closely for some sign of communication. He somehow moved himself off the beanbag and we figured he wanted back in his wheelchair. He just received his new chair the day before and it is so comfy that he would rather be in it. He smiled when he was lifted back up. These are the extremely small yet oh so powerful ways of communication. I almost cried because these students are so dear to me. I always try to place myself in the shoes/socks/leg braces/wheelchairs (you get what I’m saying) of all people with special needs. It will change your perspective on life and you really will be blessed into usefulness. I encourage you to look for ways to help others and trust me, you in turn will be more than blessed. Much Peace and Love Y’all!

 

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Positive Purposeful Post

F.E.A.R. – has two meanings – Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise   The choice is yours.

Okay so this saying is one that is actually not in my personal LFTG jar but I saw it today and it jumped out at me. Why did it jump out at me? So easy! How can you forget about something that is constantly on your mind? It doesn’t mean you aren’t moving forward. Right now for me it is to decide how I want to move forward. You know how you can speculate on something that happened? Maybe that person is thinking this or saying that, but you don’t really know. You can only go on their past behavior. However, when it is confirmed it is not always a happy moment. We tend to think “Ha, ha! I’m right. I knew I was right.” But when you being right means finding out someone else’s true colors are ugly and dark, it isn’t the greatest feeling. Having said that, as you should know by now, I am not one to run. I always stand up for truth, even if it hurts, and trust me, this truth hurts. For today here is the good . . . Even though my heart is broken I am still strong. I refuse to live in a cluster of lies. I refuse to live as if certain things didn’t really happen. I refuse to sweep the filthy dirt under the flawless rug. The only reason the fabric looks unblemished is because they place pretty furniture on it to cover the stains. They are there though. They are reminders of the choices we have made and the life we have lived. Our experiences both good and bad. They are the marks where we have fallen and smudged our less than perfect spirits. No one is perfect! Not even one! I choose to Face Everything And Rise. I will not be fearful of letting go of something I never had in the first place. Peace and Love Y’all!

fear-saying