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I Bid You Adieu . . .

“There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.” Jose N. Harris

Since my surgery two weeks ago I have had ample self-reflection time. I have also had more than enough silence surrounding me in my house because I can’t go anywhere or do anything. My silence screams! My silence can be deafening. The self-reflection has shown me where I have my own shortcomings. I have been able to look back at texts, in particular, to see where and if I had some fault in the heartbreaking outcomes of specific relationships. I have tried to apologize for my part and the ball is left in their court now. I am leaving it up to them to realize their part. We often assume the wrong thing because we don’t communicate about what we are actually feeling. I have failed in this. This has been shown to me directly involving my surgery. There are other relationships I have apologized multiple times for my part and yet the other parties remain selfish and unchanged. Good news for me is I can begin to let that go now but they will have to answer for their negativity. And yet one more relationship that has been on the forefront of my mind for weeks now. Some people don’t realize that even through texts they are still doing the very thing I asked them not to do. With all that I have been through, especially in the last few years, I am an easy target. They don’t want to look at their own shit and instead always focus on mine. Now that they have shown their true character I can begin to walk away from that drama as well and begin to heal.

As far as bidding adieu to my social media – you know as I have written here before . . . I was afraid not to write as much because I thought I would lose readers. Then I became afraid of shutting down social media because how else would people know I have written a blogpost unless I put it out there on Facebook or Instagram. The first was hard enough to overcome but I chose to be present in my life and not worry about putting the pressure on myself to “keep up”. However, staying on social media has proven to be more damaging to me than helpful in numerous ways. We are all looking for that “like” on Facebook. Or that comment that affirms we are “good enough”. We crave positive attention from others. Why? Because it feels good. Who doesn’t want to feel good? I know I do. But when we don’t get what we want from others it can turn into self-hatred. Strong word, huh? You may be thinking right now – ‘Not me’ but ask yourself – If no one acknowledged you or liked you or assured you of just how great you are . . . how would you feel? I am not putting down social media or the people who love it. Please, hear that. I am also not saying that maybe one day I will visit it again. I am saying to some it is very damaging, to others it can be fairly painful and to all it can leave us wondering sometimes – ‘Am I good enough?’

I am still learning and I do believe it will be a lifelong journey for me, that the only One I can depend on is The Lord. And maybe you don’t believe in Him. That is none of my business. I will tell you though if you look to anyone else to make you feel good about yourself you will drown. You may again say ‘Not me’ but it will come . . . sooner or later. So, work on loving yourself and trusting yourself now. You have been given a gift or maybe multiple gifts by being you. I am realizing my gifts aren’t obvious like others. I wasn’t born to BE something like a doctor or landscaper. I was born to do things that can’t always be seen only felt. I was born to love. I love others with a passion that is both a gift and a curse. I give all I have to my relationships with people. This oftentimes leaves me hurt and vulnerable. Therefore, I am learning to love the people who treat me right and pray for those who don’t. I crave openness and realness. It was drilled into me my entire life by my own Daddy, the man of God, the Preacher . . . “What will the church people think? What will others think?” Ironic because that is NOT what The Lord says at all! I am having to retrain my brain after 43 YEARS of damage. My hope for you is no matter if you are older or younger than 43 that you will stop the madness NOW! Just this morning I decided I am going to make a list of all the good . . . things about myself. Then I will make copies and place them in different places, even on my phone, to remind me I AM GOOD ENOUGH! I don’t need a list of the negative things. Those are branded into my brain and are readily available even when I don’t ask for them.

So, for today here is the good . . . I am good enough. My list will be great! Take a look at yourself and clean up the things you need to, apologize for your damage, forgive yourself and go love yourself, Sugar! Much Peace and Love, Y’all! Namaste P.S. I will continue to write here on my blog and vlog on our YouTube channel – Crazy Harts Club. You can reach me here and there. You can also subscribe to both of them for free. Have a unicorn spewing glitter kind of weekend!

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Writing Wednesday . . . Positive Purposeful Post

Last week I had Grayson pull a positive saying out of our very own LFTG jar and this week I asked Kloie to. She reached in and when she pulled it out, she just laughed, pointed at me and said “YOU!” I took it from her, read it and agreed “AMEN! Yep, that’s me.” Then I turned around in the kitchen and read it out loud to Grayson and our nurse, Grace. Here it is . . .

“I can’t tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.”

Well, if that isn’t me, I don’t know what is – trying to please everyone. And nope, I’m not trying to be some sort of saint here because believe me this isn’t good for anyone! This is NOT being a winner. Most of my life I have been trying to please others in every way possible. So much so it has almost cost me my life. I am very slowly learning to put myself first – like at a snail’s pace. But not just any ol’ snail. This one has a camper on it’s back that is attached to a Ford F-450 with a family of five and two dogs packed in it with a couple of bikes racked on the back all while pulling a 4-wheeler. That’s a lot! Now you get why I’m so slow???

I think part of it is my anxiety in wondering “what will other people think?” which is what I heard so much growing up . . . “What will the church people think?” That was a standard comment from my daddy since he is a retired Southern Baptist preacher. That explains a lot doesn’t it? Ha, ha, ha. Guess what? I don’t care what “the church people” think and I’m learning that more people are out there in this world hurting rather than not because they are SO WORRIED about what other people think. I am nowhere near not caring at all about what some people have in their mind about me, but I have put a stop to the madness! I will not let it steal my life anymore. Have you thought about that? Have you thought that you are precisely letting someone, or multiple humans STEAL your life? Are you so frightened or uptight that it is making you sick? Maybe you don’t realize the hold other people have on you. Do you feel selfish when you take care of yourself? I used to about everything and now it is becoming less over time. But it takes daily practice. If I told you one day it could actually in real life physically KILL you? Would you keep doing it? Would you keep putting everyone else first? Maybe you aren’t even on your own list of priorities! I wasn’t and it will weigh you down until you break. You think it won’t happen to you. I thought the same thing. I have been through more than most people and thought I was so obviously strong enough to handle anything. Not true at all! It can and will happen to anyone! It’s a cruel joke so stop all the absurdity NOW!

For today, here is the good . . . you really can be yourself and those that love you the way you are just so happen to be the people you want to surround yourself with. If you are not causing any harm to anyone or anything, just trying to live your life and someone still brings you negativity then cut them out! And if you can’t completely do that then please distance yourself from them. They don’t care if you are damaged from it because they will move on and continue living. I urge you to live your life and if you have the courage then I wish for you the FREEDOM to LIVE OUT LOUD! I am now being blessed over and over because I choose to love myself now. I implore you to do the same. I’m always here if you need a little encouragement or reassurance. You’ve got this and so do I! Much Peace and Love Y’all! Namaste

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What is a gift?

Does a gift always have to be material? Do you always have to be able to see or touch it?

Today is my daddy’s 83rd birthday. I pushed to get my book finished so I could have a material gift to give him for his birthday. I wanted him to be able to see what I have accomplished despite the many difficulties I have experienced (some completely my own fault). I wanted him to be able to touch and read and ponder over the words I put together to create this story. I met with him last Thursday for a birthday celebration lunch and surprised him.

For today, here is the good . . . I received a much greater gift than pages with words on them. I received the gift of time. You can’t see it or touch it – only experience it. Two years ago, an angelic voice urged me to write My Summer with Jimmy & Nan Dee. My daddy, also known as Jimmy, and I spent countless hours together. I learned about family history, the history of Greenville, South Carolina and had an unexpected visitor show me what is truly important in life. For all of this I will be forever grateful. I don’t know how much time I have left with him. We never know with anyone. Time can be a gift. What gifts can you give or have you received that are not made of materials? Think about it . . .  Happy 83rd Birthday, Daddy! Much Peace and Love Y’all!

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18 YEARS of . . .

Happy Anniversary to yes, still my best friend, Kevin! So, it has been 18 YEARS of . . . gosh, where do I begin? What has our relationship looked like? What are some good times? What are some low times? Who is Kevin to me? Here we go . . . 1. Love at first sight (for me, not him) 2. Kevin embracing and actually talking to Grayson when they first saw each other in Easley, S. C. even though he was told death was knocking at my baby’s door 3. Warming up our cars on frigid mornings at our first apartment 4. Filling ice trays and eating either a Christmas Wreath or Taco Wreath all the time (because I have NEVER liked to cook) 5. Pink/white baby Nikes, a leather jacket, and a fishing pole 6. Asking me to marry him, down on one knee, “behind the curtain” 7. We became a family of 3 and Kev vowed in a special part of our wedding ceremony to always take care of us! 8. We brought our (always blooming) Kloie baby into this world a little early and two days before Christmas. Best. Christmas. Present. Ever. 9. Double Diaper Duty, Double Feedings, Double because Grayson never could . . . 10. Wiener daddy already and then rescues another wiener just because (be still my heart) 11. Sock Man 12. Giver of the best Valentine’s Day Gifts 13. Recliners made out of sand on the beach for his babies 14. Safe place to fall – Grayson snuggled under her daddy’s arm, leaning into his chest, and her legs wrapped around his so he can’t get away (she still does this!); Kloie riding on his back as a little one or taking special Jeep rides around the ‘hood now as a teenager; Reesy’s little resting spot on the back of his neck 15. The many sacrifices to take care of us – The “BLUICK” 16. Always taking care of my mama’s grave 17. Kevin is just plain ingenious! 18. Being forever my dress up partner. He loves to get into character!

And the many reasons I love Kevin go on and on. There have been mountains and there have been valleys. A lot of marriages don’t survive these days for any number of reasons. Having a severely handicapped child for our entire marriage on top of the typical tough times in life has put a great weight on our shoulders BUT the Lord, God, Himself continues to somehow keep Kevin and I together. We may get knocked down but we always get back up – whether it is one of us pulling on or kicking the other one back up – we always get back up. So, for today here is the good . . . Thank you, Lord, for 18 years of smiling, frowning, laughing, crying and giving me a partner to do this crazy thing called life with. Much Peace and Love Y’all!  Enjoy all the pics below . . .