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I Bid You Adieu . . .

“There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.” Jose N. Harris

Since my surgery two weeks ago I have had ample self-reflection time. I have also had more than enough silence surrounding me in my house because I can’t go anywhere or do anything. My silence screams! My silence can be deafening. The self-reflection has shown me where I have my own shortcomings. I have been able to look back at texts, in particular, to see where and if I had some fault in the heartbreaking outcomes of specific relationships. I have tried to apologize for my part and the ball is left in their court now. I am leaving it up to them to realize their part. We often assume the wrong thing because we don’t communicate about what we are actually feeling. I have failed in this. This has been shown to me directly involving my surgery. There are other relationships I have apologized multiple times for my part and yet the other parties remain selfish and unchanged. Good news for me is I can begin to let that go now but they will have to answer for their negativity. And yet one more relationship that has been on the forefront of my mind for weeks now. Some people don’t realize that even through texts they are still doing the very thing I asked them not to do. With all that I have been through, especially in the last few years, I am an easy target. They don’t want to look at their own shit and instead always focus on mine. Now that they have shown their true character I can begin to walk away from that drama as well and begin to heal.

As far as bidding adieu to my social media – you know as I have written here before . . . I was afraid not to write as much because I thought I would lose readers. Then I became afraid of shutting down social media because how else would people know I have written a blogpost unless I put it out there on Facebook or Instagram. The first was hard enough to overcome but I chose to be present in my life and not worry about putting the pressure on myself to “keep up”. However, staying on social media has proven to be more damaging to me than helpful in numerous ways. We are all looking for that “like” on Facebook. Or that comment that affirms we are “good enough”. We crave positive attention from others. Why? Because it feels good. Who doesn’t want to feel good? I know I do. But when we don’t get what we want from others it can turn into self-hatred. Strong word, huh? You may be thinking right now – ‘Not me’ but ask yourself – If no one acknowledged you or liked you or assured you of just how great you are . . . how would you feel? I am not putting down social media or the people who love it. Please, hear that. I am also not saying that maybe one day I will visit it again. I am saying to some it is very damaging, to others it can be fairly painful and to all it can leave us wondering sometimes – ‘Am I good enough?’

I am still learning and I do believe it will be a lifelong journey for me, that the only One I can depend on is The Lord. And maybe you don’t believe in Him. That is none of my business. I will tell you though if you look to anyone else to make you feel good about yourself you will drown. You may again say ‘Not me’ but it will come . . . sooner or later. So, work on loving yourself and trusting yourself now. You have been given a gift or maybe multiple gifts by being you. I am realizing my gifts aren’t obvious like others. I wasn’t born to BE something like a doctor or landscaper. I was born to do things that can’t always be seen only felt. I was born to love. I love others with a passion that is both a gift and a curse. I give all I have to my relationships with people. This oftentimes leaves me hurt and vulnerable. Therefore, I am learning to love the people who treat me right and pray for those who don’t. I crave openness and realness. It was drilled into me my entire life by my own Daddy, the man of God, the Preacher . . . “What will the church people think? What will others think?” Ironic because that is NOT what The Lord says at all! I am having to retrain my brain after 43 YEARS of damage. My hope for you is no matter if you are older or younger than 43 that you will stop the madness NOW! Just this morning I decided I am going to make a list of all the good . . . things about myself. Then I will make copies and place them in different places, even on my phone, to remind me I AM GOOD ENOUGH! I don’t need a list of the negative things. Those are branded into my brain and are readily available even when I don’t ask for them.

So, for today here is the good . . . I am good enough. My list will be great! Take a look at yourself and clean up the things you need to, apologize for your damage, forgive yourself and go love yourself, Sugar! Much Peace and Love, Y’all! Namaste P.S. I will continue to write here on my blog and vlog on our YouTube channel – Crazy Harts Club. You can reach me here and there. You can also subscribe to both of them for free. Have a unicorn spewing glitter kind of weekend!

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I apologize . . .

I apologize for a couple of things today. First, I have not blogged in almost two weeks. Second, this blogpost will probably be random and rambling – but that is truly me. So let’s get to it –

My heart is full! I can’t even explain ‘how’ but perhaps ‘why’. If I were to tell you all the crappy things that happen seriously EVERY SINGLE DAY to me then you would also wonder ‘how’ my heart is full. But the ‘why’ is simple. Simple yet difficult. It is The Lord, God Almighty, Jesus Himself. Simple but so, so hard to listen to Him or talk to Him or follow Him and definitely hard to live for Him. For me it is anyway. But something, which I have to describe as The Holy Spirit  because there is no other explanation, has inspired me. And listen I have a hard time understanding who The Holy Spirit is and really does even though I have grown up in a Christian home my entire life. He lives through me. Yeah, yeah I have heard it all my life – to let Jesus live through you but lately I have felt it so consistently it’s honestly a little scary. I wait for the other shoe to drop. I wait for what’s around the corner. I know my life is very difficult. BUT (and there are a lot of buts in here today) I am talking to Him sooooo much now. I have more and more conversations with The Lord it is unreal. And yeah, yeah we always hear “He is right beside you” but do we actually live that out? I have been trying more lately and y’all I can be standing in a pile of doo doo and praise the Lord. Yep! It’s weird! We are all hurting over something or have in the past or will in the future. I implore you today, RIGHT NOW, to Look for the good . . . in all you think, say, and do. The more you do it the more natural it becomes and then all of a sudden you are experiencing blessings all around you that would never have looked like a blessing before. For today, here is the good . . . I, Jane J. Hart, have a Father (Jesus) who never stops loving me even when I mess up – which is daily. I have been blessed with a husband, my Kev, who is supportive, responsible, works hard and gives his all to take care of me and our girls. I have been blessed with a severely handicap daughter, Grayson, who is a beautiful soul trapped in a body that won’t let her do anything – not speak, not hold, not do anything by herself – but that is only temporary and God thought enough of me to trust me to take care of her and love her and get to experience a miracle through her. I have been blessed with a typical (not handicap), not-so-typical free spirit, hippie, crazy smart daughter, Kloie, who is truly my sunshine not just on cloudy days but every day. How, not lucky, but blessed am I by God to have this gift of a family? I told you He has a sense of humor! May you look for and find your real blessings today. Have a great weekend. Peace and Love Y’all!

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