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Kloie

My Baby, my sunshine, my honeybun, my KloBo. My youngest daughter Kloie, who is now 18, has been states away in AmeriCorps for 3 ½ weeks today but it seems like months! I just wanted to write about her today because I miss her . . . fiercely. The night before she left I penned this . . .

This is the night before my KloBo, my Sunshine leaves to go to Vicksburg, Mississippi to join the AmeriCorps at just 18 years old. I’m lying in my bed at 11:27 p.m. knowing I have to get up at 3 a.m. to get her to the airport and I’m wondering and I’m thinking . . . ‘Will I be able to go on without her? Will the empty space, normally filled with late night singing, lots of random selfies left on my phone, and silliness, and loudness be filled with SCREAMING SILENCE?’ And I’m scared. I’m also thinking ‘Will she be okay without me?’ We are each other’s biggest fans and true supporters. I know this is good for her to go off and live an adventure at her age while she has no responsibilities, but it will also be good for her to get out of the drama that continues to unfold in our house. I’m not sure if she will ever know how much she means to me. When I call her my Sunshine it truly is what she is in my life. She brightens my heart. She brightens my face. She brightens my world. Because of this . . . I am a blessed Mama. Thank you, Lord, for choosing me and trusting me with this special gift from you . . . My Kloie Marie Hart.

And then we took her the next morning. We have talked in some form every day. I don’t know if she needs to talk to me, but I know she is looking out for me. She sends me positive quotes when I can’t seem to hold on to one. She encourages me to be strong and love myself when I’m sitting in a puddle of tears. She tells me funny stuff and we laugh about how there is so much ridiculousness in this world. I miss my adventures with her . . . our hippie city – Asheville, our gym rides home videoing our homemade concerts, our late-night dance parties and the list goes on. (There is so much more I could say but it would be a novel.)

For today, here is the good . . . So much of the above and my unique, unparalleled relationship I have with my beautiful daughter. This weekend I will be out Uber-ing and rocking out to all the new artists my Honeybun has shared with me. Top two faves are Miguel and JBalvin. And thanks to Kloie passing it on and Miguel’s “Pineapple Skies” I have a new “promise everything gon’ be alright”. Much Peace and Love Y’all. Enjoy your weekend and a few fun pics of my baby girl and me on our adventures. Onward with my and YOUR journey to PEACE and HAPPINESS . . .      *There are a couple of videos below as well just click on the tiny, little link ;~}

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Positive Purposeful Post – It’s been a long time coming . . .

“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”

I pulled this one out of my very own LFTG jar weeks ago. And I mean WEEKS ago! I haven’t been able to write in so long. As you know, because I always say it, I miss writing. I love it! I just haven’t been in the right frame of mind to do it. I’m still surprised I am writing now. The reason I am is because I know for a fact that I am not the only one who needs to hear this.

FEAR! I am assuming all people are afraid of something at some point in their life. That is struggle enough. This is for you too! But what about those people – ME, ME, ME – that battle fear EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. How do we keep moving? How do we not give up? The only answer I can give is by the grace of God I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am about to take you on a journey with me that I have no idea where it is going or what it is going to look like. But I invite you to come along and experience it with me because I can guarantee it will, at the very least, be entertaining of some sort.

My husband, Kevin, and I have separated. After 19 years of marriage! We have two beautiful and unique daughters. For that I am blessed! I am now 42 years old with two “adult” children. My youngest daughter, Kloie, is 18 and just left two weeks ago today to go into the AmeriCorps. She will be gone for the next 10 months! She is absolutely MY SUNSHINE I need every day, so this has been a major change for me. More on that in another post. My oldest daughter, Grayson, is 20. As you know, she is severely handicapped in all areas of life. She is like having a baby in a 20-year-old body. We have come to yet another crossroads in our lives. Grayson goes to a special school and they can attend until they are 21. She will be 21 in November, so this will be her last year of school. That gives me a few hours during the day to have some sort of job but only limited time. What employer is going to be okay with me saying “I will be taking summers off, at least one to two days a month off, several days off at Thanksgiving, two weeks off at Christmas and a week off for Spring Break? Because when school is out I must stay home with Grayson. We do have nursing, but she only comes at certain times and she won’t be with us forever. So that brings me to only being able to work in the school district by subbing at her school. Here are the problems with that – it pays very little money. Not enough for us to live on. Grayson only has one more year of school left – really 9 months. What will happen next June? Then what? Where will she go IF I could find a job? Who will take care of her while I’m at work? I have no family support. Also, subbing at her school is extremely taxing not only physically, but mentally and emotionally because I am working with students like my own daughter who are severely handicapped. It is difficult to live and work doing the same thing with no physical, emotional or mental break.

After staying at home for most of 20 years to take care of Grayson, what am I going to do to take care of my girls and myself financially? NOW THAT IS FEAR! I stopped listening to society and how we are supposed to all have a college degree and work 8-5, Monday through Friday, and have the perfect white picket fence family. That is not my reality and I know for so many it is not a reality for them at all either! Instead of judging each other I propose we support each other. As you have heard me say/write before –One of the most important things that I NEED the world to know is it doesn’t matter what you can or can’t do, what you do or don’t look like, what you do or don’t have – EVERYONE HAS A PURPOSE! EVERYONE IS HUMAN SO TREAT EVERYONE YOU MEET LIKE THEY ARE. We all breathe the same. 

So, for today here is the good . . . I am strong. You are strong. We are stronger than we think. I feel very lonely right now. So lonely it is suffocating at times. However, I know somewhere deep down in my soul that someone is watching over me and taking care of me. I am having to walk, sometimes crawl, even though I want to run . . . through this ugly thing called FEAR! But I am doing it and I know on the other side of fear will be the PEACE and HAPPINESS I have so longed for. I don’t know how long it will take to get there. I don’t know how painful it will be to get there. But I KNOW I WILL get there. You can come with me. I will hold your hand if you want me to. I will put my arms around you if you want me to. I love you! Much Peace and Love Y’all!

P.S. Be on the lookout for the next post about my journey to PEACE AND HAPPINESS . . .

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Positive Purposeful Post

For those of you who may be new to our blog or may just have missed the meaning behind our “Positive Purposeful Post”(s) here is the explanation – The founding belief of this company is to bring you inspiring positivity one breath at a time. All of our products are a reflection of this very idea. For example, our LFTG (Look For The Good) jars are filled with inspirational sayings/quotes. Each saying/quote has a crack ‘n peel backing so if you want to you can stick it on something for a positive reminder or simply throw it back in for a random draw another day. Head on over to our SHOP and purchase your very own today or bless someone else with one! WE ONLY HAVE A FEW LEFT! So, having said that, periodically I will be doing my own random draw out of my personal LFTG jar and will be posting it on here with a story that emulates that message. These will be named “Positive Purposeful Post”. Time for another one below –

“If you are always trying to be ‘normal’ you will never know how amazing you can be.” Maya Angelou

Right? This is so true. However, it can be scary. So, most people think I love being in the limelight or love being the center of attention just because I don’t meet a stranger. Yes, it has been said numerous times “Jane will talk to a brick wall”. This is also true but what isn’t true is that I want all eyes on me. As extroverted as I am, I really don’t like everyone looking at me. I love speaking to anyone because it gives me a chance to learn about new things and new people.

This brings me to what happened yesterday. I was given the opportunity to be on one of our local television shows to announce the publication of my first book, My Summer with Jimmy and Nan Dee. While I was so excited to share this dream with others, at the same time, I was a nervous wreck. I was shaking and trying to remember what I was going to say. Then, it was time – 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 . . . and we’re on! Just in those few seconds I decided I should just be me. Being me isn’t everyone’s idea of being ‘normal’ – whatever that really means anyway. I am silly and animated. Very animated! I am also vulnerable and wear my heart on my sleeves. This leaves my feelings out there to be trampled on. But for today, here is the good . . . because I was determined yesterday to not be ‘normal’ I ended up being amazing! No, not in a bragging “I’m awesome” kinda way but I was amazing because I was passing on positivity AND if nothing else I got my message across – when you see or are around someone with special needs of any kind treat them like a human being. They are after all breathing – just like you. So, don’t be afraid to give a little bit of your sunshine away. If someone thinks you’re ‘abnormal’ because of it then be thankful you are strong enough to be you! You’re amazing! Much Peace and Love Y’all! Click on link for my live interview http://wspa.com/2017/12/05/my-summer-with-jimmy-nan-dee/

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I apologize . . .

I apologize for a couple of things today. First, I have not blogged in almost two weeks. Second, this blogpost will probably be random and rambling – but that is truly me. So let’s get to it –

My heart is full! I can’t even explain ‘how’ but perhaps ‘why’. If I were to tell you all the crappy things that happen seriously EVERY SINGLE DAY to me then you would also wonder ‘how’ my heart is full. But the ‘why’ is simple. Simple yet difficult. It is The Lord, God Almighty, Jesus Himself. Simple but so, so hard to listen to Him or talk to Him or follow Him and definitely hard to live for Him. For me it is anyway. But something, which I have to describe as The Holy Spirit  because there is no other explanation, has inspired me. And listen I have a hard time understanding who The Holy Spirit is and really does even though I have grown up in a Christian home my entire life. He lives through me. Yeah, yeah I have heard it all my life – to let Jesus live through you but lately I have felt it so consistently it’s honestly a little scary. I wait for the other shoe to drop. I wait for what’s around the corner. I know my life is very difficult. BUT (and there are a lot of buts in here today) I am talking to Him sooooo much now. I have more and more conversations with The Lord it is unreal. And yeah, yeah we always hear “He is right beside you” but do we actually live that out? I have been trying more lately and y’all I can be standing in a pile of doo doo and praise the Lord. Yep! It’s weird! We are all hurting over something or have in the past or will in the future. I implore you today, RIGHT NOW, to Look for the good . . . in all you think, say, and do. The more you do it the more natural it becomes and then all of a sudden you are experiencing blessings all around you that would never have looked like a blessing before. For today, here is the good . . . I, Jane J. Hart, have a Father (Jesus) who never stops loving me even when I mess up – which is daily. I have been blessed with a husband, my Kev, who is supportive, responsible, works hard and gives his all to take care of me and our girls. I have been blessed with a severely handicap daughter, Grayson, who is a beautiful soul trapped in a body that won’t let her do anything – not speak, not hold, not do anything by herself – but that is only temporary and God thought enough of me to trust me to take care of her and love her and get to experience a miracle through her. I have been blessed with a typical (not handicap), not-so-typical free spirit, hippie, crazy smart daughter, Kloie, who is truly my sunshine not just on cloudy days but every day. How, not lucky, but blessed am I by God to have this gift of a family? I told you He has a sense of humor! May you look for and find your real blessings today. Have a great weekend. Peace and Love Y’all!

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My lush meadow drenched in warm sunshine

The following is the discussion I had on Saturday morning with my husband, Kevin, and daughter, Grayson. For those of you who have had conversations with me you totally get it. My swirly, chaotic mind produces these words. For everyone else, I apologize, but this really is how I speak sometimes ; ~}   

Me: I can’t even describe how ridiculous it is. On my devotion – I am doing Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I read it every morning during the week and sometimes on the weekend I might forget or whatever because my routine is different. Most of the time it is talking about ‘don’t let anything intimidate you’, or ‘I know it’s really tough’, or whatever. I kid you not yesterday morning I read the devotion on November 11th that was talking about those same type things. That was before I got this e-mail back from . . .

Kev: That lady?

Me: Yeah and so I, I, it just made me cry in there (as I begin to cry again on our deck) because it’s just, I mean I seriously sometimes even when I read the most, the things that are negative, well not negative but just so true in the devotion every morning. I mean I seriously laugh out loud but kinda in a state of “Yeah, seriously, Lord”. It’s almost a joke.

Kev: That everything points to you?

Me: Well, it does and then this morning it’s just insane. I swear. People don’t believe in God. I just don’t know how you don’t but it’s November 12th, 2016 and this is what my devotion says for today – “This is a time of abundance in your life. Your cup runneth over with blessings. After plodding uphill for many weeks, you are now traipsing through lush meadows drenched in warm sunshine. I want you to enjoy to the full this time of ease and refreshment. I delight in providing it for you. Sometimes My children hesitate to receive My good gifts with open hands. Feelings of false guilt creep in, telling them they don’t deserve to be so richly blessed. This is nonsense-thinking because no one deserves anything from Me. My kingdom is not about earning and deserving; it’s about believing and receiving. When a child of Mine balks at accepting My gifts, I am deeply grieved. When you receive My abundant blessings with a grateful heart, I rejoice. My pleasure in giving and your pleasure in receiving flow together in joyous harmony.”

Me: Is that crazy?

Kev: And that’s November 12th, 2016? Like todays devotion?

Me: Yeah. Can you believe that? I mean, I just think . . .

Kev: You better mark that page.

Me: I did. And I sat at the table just now and I read it and I laughed out loud and then I started to cry. I do believe it. It’s just you don’t sit there and think about it all day every day. You know how Jesus is really sitting right beside you but He really is. He really is just sitting right there. And yes, this comes on the heels of you (I turn to Grayson) having seven seizures in a row last night. That’s not a blessing. You know? And we could look at that. And we could look at how I had a terrible night with a migraine.

Kev: She didn’t have any seizures this morning. I was able to get her up and bring her outside.

Me: Yeah and I could look at all the bad or I could look at this that it is literally in the works of having an actual dream of mine, something I really want to do to happen and I have prayed so long about this. How many people get to say ‘I have a dream and that dream came true’? It’s just so hard to put all this into words. Just reading that devotion I was like “For real, God, for real?” I have been trying to be more open to listening to Him and trying to hear Him.

Kev: I think what He’s saying is ‘Be nice to your husband’.

Me: Well, okay, oh my goodness.

So, there you have it Look for the good . . . readers. That is the whole reason I do what I do and write what I write. I have a tremendous amount of crap. My pile is so high if you climbed to the top of it you would be able to have a conversation with the Man on the Moon. But then The Lord, Himself, sends me a little snippet of hope and laughter and that is how I go on. In the devotion, it talks about lush meadows drenched in warm sunshine. I wouldn’t go that far EVER in my life because I do travel a difficult journey that is different than most, however, He has given me many blessings and they are truly good gifts from above. I just have to look for them. So, for today here is the good . . . I have an actual dream of mine that has already come true but I will reveal that in due time. I can’t give it away just yet. My dream can be my lush meadow and it will be drenched in warm sunshine hopefully by the end of 2016! Peace and Love Y’all!

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