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Kloie

My Baby, my sunshine, my honeybun, my KloBo. My youngest daughter Kloie, who is now 18, has been states away in AmeriCorps for 3 ½ weeks today but it seems like months! I just wanted to write about her today because I miss her . . . fiercely. The night before she left I penned this . . .

This is the night before my KloBo, my Sunshine leaves to go to Vicksburg, Mississippi to join the AmeriCorps at just 18 years old. I’m lying in my bed at 11:27 p.m. knowing I have to get up at 3 a.m. to get her to the airport and I’m wondering and I’m thinking . . . ‘Will I be able to go on without her? Will the empty space, normally filled with late night singing, lots of random selfies left on my phone, and silliness, and loudness be filled with SCREAMING SILENCE?’ And I’m scared. I’m also thinking ‘Will she be okay without me?’ We are each other’s biggest fans and true supporters. I know this is good for her to go off and live an adventure at her age while she has no responsibilities, but it will also be good for her to get out of the drama that continues to unfold in our house. I’m not sure if she will ever know how much she means to me. When I call her my Sunshine it truly is what she is in my life. She brightens my heart. She brightens my face. She brightens my world. Because of this . . . I am a blessed Mama. Thank you, Lord, for choosing me and trusting me with this special gift from you . . . My Kloie Marie Hart.

And then we took her the next morning. We have talked in some form every day. I don’t know if she needs to talk to me, but I know she is looking out for me. She sends me positive quotes when I can’t seem to hold on to one. She encourages me to be strong and love myself when I’m sitting in a puddle of tears. She tells me funny stuff and we laugh about how there is so much ridiculousness in this world. I miss my adventures with her . . . our hippie city – Asheville, our gym rides home videoing our homemade concerts, our late-night dance parties and the list goes on. (There is so much more I could say but it would be a novel.)

For today, here is the good . . . So much of the above and my unique, unparalleled relationship I have with my beautiful daughter. This weekend I will be out Uber-ing and rocking out to all the new artists my Honeybun has shared with me. Top two faves are Miguel and JBalvin. And thanks to Kloie passing it on and Miguel’s “Pineapple Skies” I have a new “promise everything gon’ be alright”. Much Peace and Love Y’all. Enjoy your weekend and a few fun pics of my baby girl and me on our adventures. Onward with my and YOUR journey to PEACE and HAPPINESS . . .      *There are a couple of videos below as well just click on the tiny, little link ;~}

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Breathe

“You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go and see what happens.” Mandy Hale

Y’all KNOW this is challenging for me. I am organized. I am a planner. I run 100 miles an hour with my ADHD. And trust . . . ha, ha TRUST has become an ugly word to me. I am taking steps (remember the last blog post) to break this thought process of not trusting. Forty-two years and most of that has been without trust so it will definitely take a while. I suppose I do have time to see what happens.  

Remember I told you I was going to take you on a journey with me and I have no idea where it is going or what it is going to look like. Well, that truth still remains. For the moment it is less of a roller coaster and more of a Jeep ride with no doors on a winding, mountain road. I have been praying more recently than I have in a while. I became reckless after “figuratively” collapsing under all the weight on my shoulders. I say to myself and out loud every day “Thank you, Lord, for saving me! You saved me!” and He really did. You have no idea! I also remind you and myself to let us stop judging each other and instead support each other. ‘Ya know that’s not always easy to do especially if we don’t agree with the topic at hand. However, if we truly love those we say we do then we support them as they ask and need. I continue to ask that of you for me and my family.

For today, here is the good . . . I am strong. You are strong. We are stronger than we think. Even if you are a planner and your personality tends to be more like mine . . . I am telling you to breathe. I am telling you to try and find trust. I am telling you to let go and yes, see what happens. I encourage you to find those people in your life who will positively support you wherever you are in your journey and I hope you will do that for them as well. Much Peace and Love Y’all!

Onward with my and YOUR journey to PEACE and HAPPINESS . . .

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Take that step!!!

“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tiptoe if you must but take the step.”

EXACTLY where I am right now! One of the struggles I have is going in the right direction. I have definitely been going in the wrong direction these last couple of months and that was just made crystal clear to me very recently. I honestly thank The Lord for answering my prayer about it. He rescued me from a bad situation. This is a different situation than what you are probably thinking. However, I choose to keep that to myself. PLEASE DON’T ANYONE ASK ME FOR DETAILS! And before I go on there won’t be any Kevin bashing. This blog is for me to release the demons of my entire life and to help others along the way.

So, it is not always about taking a step – even the smallest one – it is also about figuring out which direction is right. For now, the right direction for me is going to have to be what I need in the moment . . . in the present time in my life. I don’t have to answer to anyone else to see if they approve. As far as taking a step, no matter how small it is, that is proving to be more difficult to me every day. Some days I feel like someone has thrown me into quicksand and I’m sinking at a rather rapid pace for such a thing. Other days I feel like while I was sleeping, someone cured my feet and legs in concrete and I cannot physically pick them up to even take one more step. It takes all the physical, mental and emotional energy I have on most days right now. Sometimes I can’t even tiptoe . . . I have to crawl. I had someone ask me recently what was one of my greatest fears about all of this. Because it was in the moment, where I am trying to live, my answer at the time was THE LONELINESS! The loneliness can be extreme. Some people love to be alone more often than not. And then there are those who have the kind of personality who are lovers, touchers, feelers, nurturers, comforters and love being around other people. That would be ME, so I find it very difficult to just be alone with my thoughts. That is one of the scariest things for me.

But for today, here is the good . . . I am strong. You are strong. We are stronger than we think. I promised you I would share my story and at the end of every blog post I would give you the good . . . I go back to why I started writing this blog . . . my true hope for you is to bring you peace knowing that The Lord is always there (He carries me most of the time) and laughter because life can be so ridiculous you just have to LOL (Laugh Out Loud) sometimes. Some days will be harder than others, but I am encouraging you and reminding myself to slow down and take a moment to Look for the good . . . . It’s there you just have to look for it. Much Peace and Love Y’all! Peace and Happiness are coming . . .

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Positive Purposeful Post – It’s been a long time coming . . .

“Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”

I pulled this one out of my very own LFTG jar weeks ago. And I mean WEEKS ago! I haven’t been able to write in so long. As you know, because I always say it, I miss writing. I love it! I just haven’t been in the right frame of mind to do it. I’m still surprised I am writing now. The reason I am is because I know for a fact that I am not the only one who needs to hear this.

FEAR! I am assuming all people are afraid of something at some point in their life. That is struggle enough. This is for you too! But what about those people – ME, ME, ME – that battle fear EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. How do we keep moving? How do we not give up? The only answer I can give is by the grace of God I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am about to take you on a journey with me that I have no idea where it is going or what it is going to look like. But I invite you to come along and experience it with me because I can guarantee it will, at the very least, be entertaining of some sort.

My husband, Kevin, and I have separated. After 19 years of marriage! We have two beautiful and unique daughters. For that I am blessed! I am now 42 years old with two “adult” children. My youngest daughter, Kloie, is 18 and just left two weeks ago today to go into the AmeriCorps. She will be gone for the next 10 months! She is absolutely MY SUNSHINE I need every day, so this has been a major change for me. More on that in another post. My oldest daughter, Grayson, is 20. As you know, she is severely handicapped in all areas of life. She is like having a baby in a 20-year-old body. We have come to yet another crossroads in our lives. Grayson goes to a special school and they can attend until they are 21. She will be 21 in November, so this will be her last year of school. That gives me a few hours during the day to have some sort of job but only limited time. What employer is going to be okay with me saying “I will be taking summers off, at least one to two days a month off, several days off at Thanksgiving, two weeks off at Christmas and a week off for Spring Break? Because when school is out I must stay home with Grayson. We do have nursing, but she only comes at certain times and she won’t be with us forever. So that brings me to only being able to work in the school district by subbing at her school. Here are the problems with that – it pays very little money. Not enough for us to live on. Grayson only has one more year of school left – really 9 months. What will happen next June? Then what? Where will she go IF I could find a job? Who will take care of her while I’m at work? I have no family support. Also, subbing at her school is extremely taxing not only physically, but mentally and emotionally because I am working with students like my own daughter who are severely handicapped. It is difficult to live and work doing the same thing with no physical, emotional or mental break.

After staying at home for most of 20 years to take care of Grayson, what am I going to do to take care of my girls and myself financially? NOW THAT IS FEAR! I stopped listening to society and how we are supposed to all have a college degree and work 8-5, Monday through Friday, and have the perfect white picket fence family. That is not my reality and I know for so many it is not a reality for them at all either! Instead of judging each other I propose we support each other. As you have heard me say/write before –One of the most important things that I NEED the world to know is it doesn’t matter what you can or can’t do, what you do or don’t look like, what you do or don’t have – EVERYONE HAS A PURPOSE! EVERYONE IS HUMAN SO TREAT EVERYONE YOU MEET LIKE THEY ARE. We all breathe the same. 

So, for today here is the good . . . I am strong. You are strong. We are stronger than we think. I feel very lonely right now. So lonely it is suffocating at times. However, I know somewhere deep down in my soul that someone is watching over me and taking care of me. I am having to walk, sometimes crawl, even though I want to run . . . through this ugly thing called FEAR! But I am doing it and I know on the other side of fear will be the PEACE and HAPPINESS I have so longed for. I don’t know how long it will take to get there. I don’t know how painful it will be to get there. But I KNOW I WILL get there. You can come with me. I will hold your hand if you want me to. I will put my arms around you if you want me to. I love you! Much Peace and Love Y’all!

P.S. Be on the lookout for the next post about my journey to PEACE AND HAPPINESS . . .

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The Triple P – Positive Purposeful Post –

“A woman’s strength isn’t just about how much she can handle before she breaks. It’s about how much she must handle after she’s broken.”

This is dedicated to all the beautiful woman in the world who have experienced something or maybe many things that knocked them down completely.

No one wants to admit they are broken. Broken means smashed into pieces. Broken means damaged. Broken also means not functioning properly. Let’s “break” these down.

You know the more times something is smashed into pieces the harder it is to put it all back together again? And it will never be the same. If something is damaged can it ever be good again or even good enough? I don’t know. What do you think? Message me and let me know. I would be very interested to hear someone else’s broken story. I already know mine.

And you know a lot of times I will say “I have been knocked down so many times that one day I’m not going to get back up.” Well, come on – those that know me, know that I’m not going to stay down. However, when I do get back up I may get back up as a different person. I may be someone you don’t recognize because I am stronger than you thought. Tougher than I seemed before.

For today, here is the good . . . Remember “A woman’s strength isn’t just about how much she can handle before she breaks. It’s about how much she must handle after she’s broken.” And also remember we are stronger than you could ever know. Much Peace and Love Y’all! Have a great rest of your weekend.

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CLEARANCE!!!

Good morning “Look for the good . . . ” Family and Friends,

I have been subbing so much at Grayson’s school that there has been no time to write. We only have 2 1/2 weeks of school left. I look forward to blogging again soon! In the meantime, I wanted to let y’all know a MASSIVE CLEARANCE is going on. We are phasing out all products. Featured today is our “Better Woman” Notecards. They are . . . drum roll please . . . ONLY $5! They were originally $20! Check out the “Shop” page on the website. Here is a description – Even we girls need a little help from time to time when it comes to knowing how to express the right words to our partner. Introducing the “Better Woman” Notecards. This perfect sized tin is filled with all the right things to say and even comes with a little pen inside. Yes, we’ve thought of everything! Just take one out, sign it and leave it to surprise your better half.

* Includes 31 cards. Don’t forget! We offer a special refill pack. (Also on clearance!)

Much Peace and Love Y’all!

 

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Ashlea – Girl Gang Member

This is my final Girl Gang Member post about my best friends. So, lastly, but only in writing this blogpost, and certainly not least in any way whatsoever, here is my Ashlea. Oh, wow! Where to begin with this one? We met when her oldest and my youngest daughters were in 4 year old kindergarten together and we haven’t missed a beat since. She is . . . Fierce – furiously eager or intense. She can flash those piercing eyes in your direction, head cocked to the side with a slight smile dancing in the corner of her mouth. You can’t help but want to know what she is thinking and then you must go do it with her! It’s always an adventure. Brave – possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance. Hmm . . . this badass BFF of mine has been through mud pits, sprayed in the face with venom, and hung out to dry in the middle of a desert. But NO MATTER WHAT – she always comes out the other side of whatever it is still with that “pretty girl swag”. (go look that definition up) Vivacious –  lively; animated; spirited. We were once known as the Dynamic Duo. She is my partner in crime. She is wild, fun and up for just about anything. What haven’t we shared? She is a survivor. Just like me, she has been through more shit than you would find in a pasture of a million cows that were all just given enemas. How’s that for a visual? We’ll be in our eighties and still crazy – TOGETHER! She would probably describe herself as this “Flawed and fabulous because perfect doesn’t exist and normal is boring.” And this is just one of the many reasons I LOVE ME SOME ASHLEA GRAVES!!! We ain’t afraid to get our hands dirty in this crazy thing called life! So, for today here is the good . . . I am BLESSED to call her my friend, my sister and to have her be part of my inner circle – my Girl Gang. I love you, Ashlea! Much Peace and Love Y’all! I hope y’all have a great weekend. PS – yes this is an old pic below. Most of our pics I can’t show to the public! (wink, wink)

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Bridget – Girl Gang Member

Considerate, good-natured and humble. It’s hard to even remember when we met exactly because I don’t like to remember time when she wasn’t a part of my life. I suppose it has been close to 14 years. Maybe? Seems like forever. I met her husband when Grayson was a baby and a few years later our families ended up living in the same neighborhood. We have shared ridiculousness through our dress up parties, lots of food at numerous home gatherings, and more wine and beer than anyone cares to admit. Together we have experienced the highest highs and lowest lows and supported each other through them. Bridg and I can be quite opposite and yet oh so the same. We definitely balance out our personalities.

This is not only how I see her but how she truly is . . . Considerate– showing regard for another’s feelings, circumstances, etc. I can’t tell you how many times I have quite literally leaned on her shoulders and cried. She genuinely cares for other people and she listens. While she is always considerate of my feelings she is not afraid to tell me the other side. I am thankful to have a friend who can be honest with me even if it may not be what I want to hear. That is hard to come by. THANKFUL!  Good-natured – having or showing a pleasant, kindly disposition. Even though Bridget’s personality is more on the introverted side she never comes off as snobby or stuck up. She has a warm smile on her face and makes others feel comfortable. She doesn’t believe in rocking the boat. She is my calm in a lot of storms. Humble – not proud or arrogant. This one jumps out like a flashing, strobe light. Bridget is the definition of this! She doesn’t care about the material things in life. She doesn’t feel like she is better than anyone, yet she knows her self-worth. Bridget is the sugar to my spice! So, for today here is the good . . . I am BLESSED to call her my friend, my sister and to have her be part of my inner circle – my Girl Gang. I love you, Bridg! Much Peace and Love Y’all! I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.

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Positive Purposeful Post

Pardon me for the interruption of the “Girl Gang” posts – the rest are coming – BUT it has been awhile since I have done a Positive Purposeful Post. I need one! I am so busy being chased WHILE ON MY HAMSTER WHEEL that quite honestly, I haven’t had the time but more importantly the brain cells left to hardly write at all! I love writing and miss it. It’s just this roller coaster I have been on doesn’t seem to have a STOP button. (Insert mind pic of me getting thrown from the ride into a lava filled, alligator infested swamp)

For those of you who may be new to my blog or may just have missed the meaning behind my “Positive Purposeful Post”(s) here is the explanation – The founding belief of this company is to bring you inspiring positivity one breath at a time. All our products reflect this very idea. For example, our LFTG (Look For The Good) jars are filled with inspirational sayings/quotes. Each saying/quote has a crack ‘n peel backing so if you want to you can stick it on something for a positive reminder or simply throw it back in for a random draw another day. Head on over to our SHOP and purchase your very own today or bless someone else with one! WE ONLY HAVE A FEW LEFT! So, having said that, periodically I will be doing my own random draw out of my personal LFTG jar and will be posting it on here with a story that emulates that message. These will be named “Positive Purposeful Post”. Time for another one below –

“Forget all the reasons why it won’t work and believe in the one reason why it will.”

Again – perfect timing! So, as you readers know our life, our “situation” (which it is so annoyingly referred to on a regular basis – even by me) is difficult. Challenging. Demanding. Heavy. Painful. Emotional. Toilsome. And the list goes on . . . You wouldn’t believe all the negative words I could use to describe my journey on having a child with special needs. But who needs all the negative? Where is the positive? That is the whole reason why I began this blog. I not only wanted to help others “Look for the good . . . .” but I needed it too! I still do, probably now more than ever. But just like the quote says “ . . . believe in the one reason why it will” is how I survive. I have to constantly look for the one good thing. Just one. No matter how small. This particular saying is screaming at me so loudly today because of another big question we are being faced with currently. WHERE ARE WE GOING TO LIVE? I will stop there for today only since no one wants to read a blogpost soooooo long. If you personally know me and are freaking out about this question – yes, you will have to wait for the next post too. So, for today here is the good . . . . I had time and the heart to write today. Writing is one of the few things that really makes me happy. I am thankful. Remember . . . Forget all the reasons why it won’t work and believe in the one reason why it will. Much Peace and Love Y’all!

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Sharron – Girl Gang Member

Kind, thoughtful and compassionate! She even gets an extra “r” in her name because she deserves it. We met when our youngest children were in kindergarten – many years ago – even though neither her nor I have actually gotten older (wink, wink). We never hung out or ran in the same circle but every time I saw her, at all the countless school activities, we would greet each other and even hug. I was drawn to her for some reason, not just because she is beautiful on the outside, but my soul felt we shared something. The Lord knew what He was doing way back then. But doesn’t He always know??? Fast forward through time and land several years ago. I can’t quite remember how it happened, due to the fact that we’ve always had a connection, but she invited me on a beach trip. Just her and I. Girl time. I had been very sick with an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder, so I wasn’t feeling my fun and silly self. This lent itself to us spending hours talking. For whatever reason we both opened up about our past and our present lives – the ups and downs. This is when I discovered why I was always captivated by her. We had both experienced and lived through some real nightmares. I won’t divulge those here. I will leave them where they are – in the past. For today, here is the good . . . I am BLESSED to call her my friend and am honored to know her. She is one of the most humble and truly genuine people I know. She isn’t afraid to fight for what she believes in and fight for others is what she does. She is co-founder of the Homeless Period Project. Go look it up! You’ll be inspired. Much Peace and Love Y’all!