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Kloie

My Baby, my sunshine, my honeybun, my KloBo. My youngest daughter Kloie, who is now 18, has been states away in AmeriCorps for 3 ½ weeks today but it seems like months! I just wanted to write about her today because I miss her . . . fiercely. The night before she left I penned this . . .

This is the night before my KloBo, my Sunshine leaves to go to Vicksburg, Mississippi to join the AmeriCorps at just 18 years old. I’m lying in my bed at 11:27 p.m. knowing I have to get up at 3 a.m. to get her to the airport and I’m wondering and I’m thinking . . . ‘Will I be able to go on without her? Will the empty space, normally filled with late night singing, lots of random selfies left on my phone, and silliness, and loudness be filled with SCREAMING SILENCE?’ And I’m scared. I’m also thinking ‘Will she be okay without me?’ We are each other’s biggest fans and true supporters. I know this is good for her to go off and live an adventure at her age while she has no responsibilities, but it will also be good for her to get out of the drama that continues to unfold in our house. I’m not sure if she will ever know how much she means to me. When I call her my Sunshine it truly is what she is in my life. She brightens my heart. She brightens my face. She brightens my world. Because of this . . . I am a blessed Mama. Thank you, Lord, for choosing me and trusting me with this special gift from you . . . My Kloie Marie Hart.

And then we took her the next morning. We have talked in some form every day. I don’t know if she needs to talk to me, but I know she is looking out for me. She sends me positive quotes when I can’t seem to hold on to one. She encourages me to be strong and love myself when I’m sitting in a puddle of tears. She tells me funny stuff and we laugh about how there is so much ridiculousness in this world. I miss my adventures with her . . . our hippie city – Asheville, our gym rides home videoing our homemade concerts, our late-night dance parties and the list goes on. (There is so much more I could say but it would be a novel.)

For today, here is the good . . . So much of the above and my unique, unparalleled relationship I have with my beautiful daughter. This weekend I will be out Uber-ing and rocking out to all the new artists my Honeybun has shared with me. Top two faves are Miguel and JBalvin. And thanks to Kloie passing it on and Miguel’s “Pineapple Skies” I have a new “promise everything gon’ be alright”. Much Peace and Love Y’all. Enjoy your weekend and a few fun pics of my baby girl and me on our adventures. Onward with my and YOUR journey to PEACE and HAPPINESS . . .      *There are a couple of videos below as well just click on the tiny, little link ;~}

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I apologize . . .

I apologize for a couple of things today. First, I have not blogged in almost two weeks. Second, this blogpost will probably be random and rambling – but that is truly me. So let’s get to it –

My heart is full! I can’t even explain ‘how’ but perhaps ‘why’. If I were to tell you all the crappy things that happen seriously EVERY SINGLE DAY to me then you would also wonder ‘how’ my heart is full. But the ‘why’ is simple. Simple yet difficult. It is The Lord, God Almighty, Jesus Himself. Simple but so, so hard to listen to Him or talk to Him or follow Him and definitely hard to live for Him. For me it is anyway. But something, which I have to describe as The Holy Spirit  because there is no other explanation, has inspired me. And listen I have a hard time understanding who The Holy Spirit is and really does even though I have grown up in a Christian home my entire life. He lives through me. Yeah, yeah I have heard it all my life – to let Jesus live through you but lately I have felt it so consistently it’s honestly a little scary. I wait for the other shoe to drop. I wait for what’s around the corner. I know my life is very difficult. BUT (and there are a lot of buts in here today) I am talking to Him sooooo much now. I have more and more conversations with The Lord it is unreal. And yeah, yeah we always hear “He is right beside you” but do we actually live that out? I have been trying more lately and y’all I can be standing in a pile of doo doo and praise the Lord. Yep! It’s weird! We are all hurting over something or have in the past or will in the future. I implore you today, RIGHT NOW, to Look for the good . . . in all you think, say, and do. The more you do it the more natural it becomes and then all of a sudden you are experiencing blessings all around you that would never have looked like a blessing before. For today, here is the good . . . I, Jane J. Hart, have a Father (Jesus) who never stops loving me even when I mess up – which is daily. I have been blessed with a husband, my Kev, who is supportive, responsible, works hard and gives his all to take care of me and our girls. I have been blessed with a severely handicap daughter, Grayson, who is a beautiful soul trapped in a body that won’t let her do anything – not speak, not hold, not do anything by herself – but that is only temporary and God thought enough of me to trust me to take care of her and love her and get to experience a miracle through her. I have been blessed with a typical (not handicap), not-so-typical free spirit, hippie, crazy smart daughter, Kloie, who is truly my sunshine not just on cloudy days but every day. How, not lucky, but blessed am I by God to have this gift of a family? I told you He has a sense of humor! May you look for and find your real blessings today. Have a great weekend. Peace and Love Y’all!

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Positive Purposeful Post

So I have a guest writer for today’s Positive Purposeful Post. I am thankful my beautiful daughter, Kloie, pulled this quote from my personal LFTG jar today. I hope you are inspired by her thoughts below. As promised I always show you the good . . . and while it is usually at the end she shows you plenty of good throughout. Enjoy . . .

And if I asked you to name all the things you believe in – how long would it take for you to name yourself?

Recently, as in the past two and a half months, I have started to find myself. For years I thought I had figured out who I was and convinced myself that I was happy with my life. Then I got a glimpse of reality and noticed I wasn’t really happy nor did I approve of myself. I felt the need to wear what everyone else was wearing or put on makeup because all the other girls were doing it. I’ve always been the type of person who doesn’t follow the crowd, even if that means I’m left by myself. But then I began to notice I was trying to copy what other people were doing. This made me feel even worse.  Being at the school I was at, I thought I’d never find my true self.

Then I got accepted into GSSM (The Governor’s School for Science & Math) and my spirit just became brightened again – like I hadn’t seen it since – well, I don’t even know when. I began to feel that this was my time to uncover who I wanted to be as a person and how to be at peace with myself even when today’s society has certain standards many women/girls feel obligated to live up to.

My parents introduced me to Asheville in early Spring. This exposure to “hippie city” brought so much joy to me. I felt like I fit in with the people who lived there. It’s very freeing and has a sweet atmosphere to it. I believe this is what helped me to become the person I am now and am continuing to grow into being. I’m sure my mom has told many people that I’m a hippie which is quite true. I wouldn’t have become a free little thing without the help of my mom and her driving me to Asheville multiple times. Once I experienced how nice it was to simply be a nice person without care for many worldly desires, I was overcome by this feeling of strength and being free. I’ve always been a strong person, but seeing as how freeing I was becoming made me feel stronger like really nothing could tear me down.

I used to be very self-conscious about my weight, my acne, and my personality. I’ve always been a smaller girl, but I gained a few extra pounds my eighth grade and freshman year. Though it wasn’t a big difference, I just felt so gross and sluggish. This made me just hate myself. Then I started getting acne. At first I didn’t care because everyone liked me for me. Then girls started wearing makeup to become “prettier” and they were telling me that I should wear it because I’d be prettier too, especially since it would cover up my acne. As far as my personality, I’ve always been outgoing and not scared to befriend or talk to someone new. However, I started to feel like an outcast when I didn’t want to do the things that my peers were interested in doing. I didn’t know if I was just weird or what. I have now accepted that I’m not just some follower. I am a leader. I am glad I only do the things I feel comfortable doing. I am strong.

Near the end of summer, July 27th to be exact, I got dreadlocks. Me getting dreads helped to shape the hippie lifestyle I’m trying to live. They help me feel rooted to my inner self and connected to the world I love. At GSSM, I’m not judged for my hairstyle like I would be if I still went to my old school. Nor does anyone care that I’m a free spirit. GSSM is so diverse that it brings everyone together and I get to experience all different types of lifestyles, personalities and cultures while becoming who God made me to be. I am not bullied at my new school like I was at previous schools so I’ve gained much more confidence and peace within me. I can now honestly say I love me for me and wish everyone else would do the same for themselves. We humans don’t need all these materials things to make us feel better about ourselves or entertain us. The material kind of happiness is very short and leads to self-destruction, I believe. Everyone should join together and simply love one another because we are all humans. No one is completely the same so there will NEVER be an ideal “perfect” person or body. That means no self-hate is allowed, just loving ourselves exactly how we were born. If I, another random person in this world, can believe in myself and be at peace even with these worldly distractions, so can y’all. Spread love, peace, and happiness! Kloie

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Asheville, Here We Come!

“Who really wants to drive over an hour, into another state just to look at “hippie” stores when we have a few right here where we live?” I asked my husband. Then moments later I answer my own question – “I do. Because just think – one day I will long to ride in the car with her for over an hour or for any amount of time but I won’t get to because she won’t be here. Oh, I just can’t believe she is going away in August!” His response, “Mmm hmm.” What can I say? I do come up with some of my deepest conversations in the bed at night when he’s trying to go to sleep. Oh well. So it was decided. Asheville, here we come!

Yesterday morning, we waited for Grayson’s nurse to arrive. Then, after I gave her the run down on what all she needed we got in the car and drove off. Yep! Drove off. Just like that. Many of you may not see this as having any importance but to me it’s of major importance and a struggle. Every time I leave Grayson behind I leave a piece of my broken heart. It’s broken because I’m not doing these things with her. Not in the way I am with Kloie. More details about that another time because you will surely read about my broken heart in abundance. But moving on – Kloie needs me and truth be told I need her. We got there around 12:30 just in time for lunch and a glass of wine – for me not her. Hey! I needed it. I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel being chased by a cat most days. We sat outside, sun shining but in the shade with the breeze blowing. We talked about how dumb guys can be, listened in to the people’s conversation next to us, laughed about how wedgies are super uncomfortable all while eating Latin American food – Kloie’s favorite. She loves all things and I mean all things, people, etc. – Hispanic! My child does have a little bit of me in her as she loves Bob Marley, hippie chill things, some “free” thinking, piercings and tattoos. Good Lord, Granddaddy, it will be okay :~} The search was on for posters to adorn her room at home and in her soon coming dorm room, as well as a huge tapestry that covers most of one of the walls in her bedroom. I just giggle to myself thinking how I was at her age. While she is a lot stronger than I was at 16, our similarities about changing rooms around, constantly moving furniture, wild decorating, and wearing different clothing that is “freeing” just makes me smile. You can never have enough Johnson I always say (Johnson is my maiden name). After being successful at shopping we finally decided we better head home as it was getting late in the afternoon. We turned the music up extremely loud and sang as if we were holding our own concert in London (or somewhere cool)! KloBo even said “Wow! We sound terrible!” as she laughed hysterically. I told her “No way! We think we sound good so then we sound good.” We continued to laugh so hard we could barely get the words out.

I will miss her like crazy and cry if I think too much about it for more than a minute but for today here is the good . . . When your uber independent, indifferent, mostly opposite of you, 16-year-old daughter says . . . “I’m not emotional, so I’m not going to get all deep. And don’t be emotional right now, Mom. I just want to say, today was one of the best days of my life” – you just smile and say “Thank you, God!”

Klobo and Me Asheville